Turn that Frown Upside Down!
by Existential Insanity
Summary: or Adventures in Being SAD. Slightly AU in the beginning and only going to diverge more. Naruto really has a blast, Kiba goes BEASTMODE, and Shino rocks socks. What more do you want? Oh, a psychotic and sexy sensei? Done. Anko's Awesome Team is about to get SAD all up in this place. Pairings currently not set in stone.
1. Chapter 1: Right in the Dick!

Turn that Frown Upside Down

or

An Adventure in Being SAD

The Hokage just stared at Jiraiya. Jiraiya personally hated that blank stare, it usually meant bad things for Jiraiya.

"You're sure?" Sarutobi finally asked.

"Yes. The other villages are prepping for war within the next five years by training war based genin squads. No psuedo-free response teams, but tried and true war teams."

Jiriaya sweat dropped as the Hokage palmed his face with a sigh.

"So you're telling me I should re-arrange all the teams, which have been arranged for -years,- and re-assign senseis to prepare for a coming war?"

"I'm suggesting it?" Jiraiya didn't know where this was going.

Sarutobi began rubbing his temples. The sheer amount of paperwork this was going to be.

"Any other suggestions then?"

Jiraiya pulled the file from this years academy class. He reviwed it briefly, secretly glad to see Naruto had graduated, even if the note said it had been unusual. He would have to pass on some of his mother's clan techniques, espescially if... Yes, there was an Inuzaka and an Aburame graduating.

"Aburame, Inuzaka, Uzumaki... With probably Anko-chan. She would be the best trained in SAD ops, wouldn't she?" Jiraiya posed to Sarutobi.

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow at his only loyal student.

"A terror squad? You are asking me to mould children into terrorists?"

Jiraiya shrugged.

"Their clans already have the reputation, and I'm geussing these two," Jiraiya gestured to Kiba and Shino, "Already have quite a bit of ground work in that direction. And word on the street is that Naruto is an unholy terror when it comes to pranks. Might as well channel that talent effectively."

With a sigh, Sarutobi looked out the window. Ineed, all three clans had a reputation for terror. While ninja clans feared or hated clans like the Uchiha and the Hyuuga, the civillian populace told stories of bogeymen coming from the more populous but less 'noble' ninja clans.

During the clan wars, a young Inuzaka civillian merchant had been passing through Grass Country. She had been ambushed by the second son of the Grass Damiyo and raped repeatedly by him and his men. All of her dogs had been killed and her wares destroyed. She managed to stumble back to where the clan compound had been at the time, and, with her dying breath, name her attacker.

The Inuzaka had been rabid. Luckily, the clan matriarch at the time had a cool head, until the Damiyo refused to hand over his son for retribution. Then it was a personal clan war against Grass.

Every child in Grass under the age of 5 had been stolen in the night, and the Inuzaka made damn sure everyone knew it was them. One of the children had been cut on his cheek and sent into town with a note.

'Give us who we want or they all die.'

Needless to say the population, including the Nobles who hadn't been spared, of Grass had almost revolted. The Damiyo then quickly turned over his second son, and mysteriously, every child was placed back into their beds as if they hadn't been gone. Except every child had a cut somewhere on their body.

'We could have. And there is nothing you could have done,' was the implied statement.

To be an Inuzaka in Grass was to be feared and reviled.

The Aburame weren't so kind. But then again they had a mission to do what they did. Wipe out the small city on the border of Fire and River. No one is sure how they did it, but within a week the city was a ghost town. Except for the Aburame, who made a point to let all the merchant passerbys know who it was who killed every man, woman, and child, down to their dogs and cats, in the city.

Every single skeleton had been left where they had died, stripped of all flesh. According to local legend, the place was haunted and the skeletons would rise up and begin supernatural wailing of: 'GET THESE BUGS OFF ME!'

But the Uzumaki, feared by the ninja villages and clans for their skills in fuinjutsu, had killed a Damiyo and many, many civillians.

Uzushiogakure was founded on land drenched in blood. The then Damiyo of Whirpool Country had refused to let the Uzumaki settle in the least habitable portion of his lands. The Uzumaki had made generous offers, just for a place out of the way and barely farmable and very distant from any of the fishing lanes. Still the Damiyo refused.

During the Damiyo's birthday parade, the Uzumaki leveled the city. Leveled it. There were no ruins, only dust. Not very many people had survived, but those who did owed their lives to the Uzumaki who rescued and healed the injured. They had been saved for the sole purpose of letting everyone know what had happened.

Then the Uzumaki ruled all of Whirlpool Country from the seat of Uzushiogakure. What was left of the civillian populace came to love the Uzumaki. They were fair and just in matters of dispute, but the laws were draconian. To break the law was to betray the clan. A trial was held, but if found guilty the sentence was always death.

The other Damiyo were not pleased. And they ordered their villiages to remove the Uzumaki as soon as their eradication could be completed.

Even in Ninja villiages these three clans were among the most feared and hated by any civillian.

To unleash these terrors once again was a heavy descsion.

Sarutobi made his choice.

X

One Uzumaki Naruto walked into the classroom, head held high, and made his way to his favourite seat.

"Oi, Naruto," came Shikamaur's voice, "This place is only for graduates."

Naruto just stared at Shikamaru. For about thirty seconds or so they stared. Ignoring the screeching of Sakura and Ino as they fought over the seat next to Sasuke. Slowly, Naruto raised his closed fist and extended his middle finger when it had reached the point where it could both point out his headband and flip off Shikamaru.

"Oh, well, congratulations then."

Naruto smiled brightly and rubbed the back of his head.

"Thanks, Shikamaru."

"Oi, Naruto," Kiba called out, "How'd ya manage it? Though, it really makes you Dead Last."

Kiba smiled a cheeky smile, just trying to get under his comrades skin.

"Choke on a dick, Kiba-chan, fucking cunt," Naruto said jovially, "I can't say. Classified, but legit, yanno?"

Kiba nodded and smacked the chair next to him.

"You waitin' for a written invitation, cum guzzler?"

With a bit of hip swing, Naruto walked over and 'fawned' on Kiba as he sat down.

"Nope, just waiting for you to whip it out."

"Oh, Naruto..." Kiba murmured, yet managed to catch the attention of ever female in the room. The two slowly closed their eyes and began to move in for a beautiful kiss. Hinata was hyperventilating. Naruto and Kiba! If only she could get between them! The rest of the girls began to drool, even Sakura and Ino, as their very dirty minds went to very dirty places.

"FUCK, I CAN'T DO IT!" Kiba screamed as he slammed his fist on the desk and looked away.

"Ha! I am the King of Gay Chicken!" Naruto yelled as he got up on the desk and started dancing as 'sexy' victory dance, thrusting his pelvis at Kiba. A guy in the row lower stood up and bumped into Naruto sending him forward. He caught himself on the desk above Kiba and...

Something was very wrong. Those blue eyes weren't his. That blonde hair was a bit paler than his. His lips were touching something. And-

"FUCK, OH DEAR SWEET KAMI!" Naruto screamed as he tumbled down several rows of desks crashing into several people as he craddled his now injured crotch.

"DON'T YOU EVER PUT THAT ANYWHERE NEAR MY FACE AGAIN!" Kiba yelled down to the whimpering blonde.

Kiba had punched him right in the dick. _Right in the dick_.

Naruto, far more worried about his precious body part, Kiba, and everyone else laughing at the poor blonde never noticed Ino touching her lips slightly. Even Sakura forgot to rub it in her face as she laughed cruelly, and far louder than anyone else, at the boy who crushed on her.

'Sakura is really pretty,' the thought fluttered through Naruto's thoughts, 'but what a cunt.'

"SETTLE DOWN!" came Umino Iruka's voice, enhanced by his demon head technique, "You alright, Naruto?"

"Yup," floated up Naruto's voice, "just got punched in the dick. I'm gonna stay here."

Oh how Hinata wanted to go tend to his injury. And then maybe he would demand she remove her clothes, and she would. But reluctantly! And then he would use her jacket to tie her arms... Hinata almost exploded from the blood pressure.

".. Team 7, under Hatake Kakashi-sensei: Hyuuga Hinata, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke..."

The piercing howl of victory from Sakura caused everyone to cover their ears, except Naruto. He just whimpered more.

"... Team 8, under Mitarashi Anko-sensei-"

A loud crash was heard and out of nowhere a banner appeared. It read: 'Super-sexy Anko-Sensei!' and underneath was a chibi-purple haired face with yellow eyes, as well as chibi-Naurto, Kiba and Shino faces. Under that was a woman in a long brown trench coat, fishnets, shin guards, and a skirt. It was a nice skirt. Perhaps a little shorter than what most would wear, but very few people found out it was really a skort. Half skirt, half shorts.

"Uzumaki Naruto, Inuzaka Kiba, and Aburame Shino, COME ON DOWN!" she yelled.

Slowly, and wobbly Naruto stood up and hobbled to his, what he assumed to be, new sensei. Kiba laughed like a madman as he and Akumaru descneded the stairs. Shino, in the quiet reserved way of the Aburame, followed.

The purple haired woman frowned and turned to Iruka.

"'Ruka-kun, what's wrong with him?" she pointed to Naruto.

"Punched_ in the dick_," the man said with a straight face.

"Oh? Then-" Anko began a sly smile forming on her face.

WHIP! CRACK!

"INUKAMI'S CHEWTOY!" Kiba yelled as he fell to the ground and violently vomited once, "EVEN! EVEN!"

"Good," Naruto mumbled before he turned to his sensei, "Mitarashi-sensei, right?"

Anko smiled. At least two of them were already on the path of true brutality and visciousness. She like these two. A wheezing sound eminated from Kiba.

"Fuck you, Shino..."

The Aburame was standing on Kiba's chest as if nothing was wrong. Anko's smile broke into a psychotic grin. She LOVED THESE GUYS!

"I would not allow you to fuck me. Why? Because I am not homosexual like yourself."

"C'mon, ANKO'S AWESOME TEAM! TO TRAINING GROUND 42!" and with that Anko was away!

Naruto motioned Shino off Kiba and the two of them hoisted the whimpering boy into a hobble position and dragged his feet right through his own puke pile. It was the start of a beautiful career for Anko's Awesome Team.

The rest of the class stared in silence. Strangely, it was Sasuke who broke the silence.

"Dafuq did I just watch?"

Iruka cleared his throat.

"Team 9 is still in circulation. Team 10, under Sarutobi Asuma-sensei: Akimichi Choji, Nara Shikamaru, Yamanka Ino."

X

In the brief moment their lips touched, Ino felt a fire burst into flame. Unlike when she thought of Sasuke, there was no need to stoke the flames, as it were. Instantly, she had been aroused- emotionally, at the least- by her fellow blonde. She narrowed her eyes at Sakura slightly, then at Hinata. She was going to get Naruto out from under Sakura's thumb and before Hinata. Just had to get Daddy's approval.

Ino sighed. That was never going to happen.

X

A/N: I don't own diddly. And this is the first time in a long while I've posted anything. I just had to get this out of my brain. And it looks like I might start writing again. I want to update RHaRB and Belladonna, but haven't written anything for them yet. I'm also about to start a new D&D campaign and am thinking about including that as a story.

Anyways, pl0x review, or in the form of a review ask a question. I may not answer you directly. Instead I may just answer any questions in story format. Or in another A/N.

V

Review

V


	2. Chapter 2: That's a Smile!

A/N: Don't own.

Turn that Frown Upside Down

or

That's a Smile not an Upside Down Frown

Naruto, Kiba, and Shino made their way to Training Ground 42. Only to be stopped by the fact the NOTHING changed. On second they were in the village and the next they were in the village but Shino had stopped them and said they had arrived.

Now they were waiting on their Sensei.

"Are you sure this is the place?" Naruto asked for the fifth time in as many minutes.

Kiba looked ready to pounce on his teammate. Akamaru whined piteously, wishing for Light-furred-fox-boy to shut up. Shino for his part sighed and answered.

"Yes, I am sure. Why? Because there's a goddamn sign," he said point to the aforementioned sign.

Naruto looked and lo! There was a sign.

"Why didn't you say so the first time?"

The muscle in Kiba's jaw began twitching madly.

Suddenly, Anko was among them, leaning heavily on Naruto, munching on a stick of dango.

"So," she spoke around the dango, "You're my brats now. And I get to teach you all sorts of things. I'm 'sposed to test-" she punched Naruto, who had been struggling to get out from under his sensei, in the back of the head sending him crashing to the ground, "-you guys and determine if you're 'worthy' of being a ninja."

"Ne, Sensei? Are you?" Kiba ventured, preparing himself subtly, or what he thought was subtle, for a fight.

"Naw, fuck it. Rather just start you're training. Any ideas on what kinda squad you're gonna be?"

Shino adjusted his glasses.

"Given that myself and Kiba are here I would normally say a tracker team. Why normally? Because if Naruto is truly is an Uzumaki all of our clans have a reputation. So my answer is revised and I would hazard a guess that we are to be trained as a guerrilla warfare squad."

"WHADDYA MEAN IF I'M TRULY AN UZUMAKI!?" Naruto exploded.

"Nothing against you, man," Kiba threw his two cents in, "But in my Clan Records, Uzumaki are described as having red hair. Someone with red hair is like a ninety percent chance they're Uzumaki, especially after Uzu got cratered and red is a wicked rare hair color."

"Well, fuck. Jiji always said I was. S'why he gave me this swirly. I have eighty billion lying around my apartment."

"It's a good thing then," Anko interrupted "That I have this Uzumaki Genealogy and a written order rescinding the classification on Naruto's heritage as an Uzumaki. Though, blonde gaki, your mother's name is still classified."

Anko hurled the genealogy scroll right into Naruto's gut. With an 'oof' and a plop he landed on his ass before scrabbling after the scroll.

"Not now, kid. We still have to do this shit, put it away. Dog and pet human, any guesses?"

"What Shino said, but less smart sounding," Kiba offered honestly. Akamaru yipped in agreement.

"Alrighty then, you guys almost got it-"

"Hey! What about me!? Don't I get a-" Naruto was abruptly silenced by a kunai ring to the forehead, "Fuck!"

"- But I'm training you as a Sabotage, Assassination, and Demolition team as opposed to a Behind Enemy Lines team, even if our operation is incredibly similar, we're gonna focus on taking the fight to their civilians, forcing our enemy to station more nin at home instead of out on the front lines. We are not nice people, not by a long shot. We are terror, not death. It takes a special kind of nin to do this work.

You guys might not be that special kind of nin. Fuck it. I'm going to make you that kind of nin."

Anko started smirking in a way that the boys would eventually come to associate with straight crazy and violence.

"This is Training Ground 42. Otherwise known as 'The Village Hidden in Fuck Yous.' This is where we will train everyday except Sunday, our rest day; or Saturdays, our joint team training days. Most of our immediate training will focus on Urban Ops, filling holes in your foundations, and styling the team. So, that brings us to our first mission sim."

Anko pulled a scroll out from her bosom, much to the delight of all three boys.

"Here. I want that book."

With that, Anko disappeared.

What the scroll contained was a two part mission. One they had to "loudly assassinate" Hatake Kakashi, one of Konoha's elite jonin, and two, they had to steal from him his first edition, signed by the author, copy of Icha Icha Paradise.

They were given some information and a time window of two days.

Naruto cackled evilly as they got to planning. He sure as hell recognized Inu-nii's hair and he sure as hell had some back pocket pranks to use.

X

"LRA stands for Long Range Assassinations, Sensei," Sakura answered her tall and lanky teacher, "But I'm not sure what the SS is."

"S-support and, ano, s-upplement," Hinata said quietly.

Kakashi's eye curved in a smile at the look of disbelief on Sasuke's face.

"Right, which means, in addition to being able to neutralize targets from over five hundred yards, we have to be able to move to friendly positions with a quickness and provide support to overwhelmed positions."

X

"Sensei?"

Asuma had just sat there smoking for almost twenty minutes.

"Sensei?"

Shikamaru had taken the hint after five minutes and was now dozing off to the side.

"Sensei?"

Chouji was eating his chips quietly as to not draw the attention of the final member of their team.

"GODDAMNIT YOU COCKSUCKING SON OF A WHORE! TEACH US SOMETHING OR SOMETHING! FUCK! ARGH!"

Ino, however, was ready to pull her hair out. And as it turned out she had quite the mouth. She was also very interested in going home and finding her little black book of secrets and to begin convincing her daddy that Naruto was a boy worthy of her affections.

"Patience."

Ino stopped screaming and glared at her sensei.

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

"You'll need it. I have to train you genin as a live capture team. Patience."

Ino simply continued to glare. She maintained this glare for the next two hours before she exploded again.

Shikamaru woke with a snort. And Chouji almost choked on the handful of chips he had been eating.

XXX

A/N: So this is actually the second chp. 2 for this story. Its short, but seeing as I haven't really written anything in a while... If you guys review nudge nudge, I might get a little more excited to write and write more.

Review

V

V

V


	3. Chapter 3: Family Matters

A/N: _**NOT**_ a funny chapter. Be warned.

Turn that Frown Upside Down!

or

Family Matters

Memories weighed the Sandaime Hokage down. The kind and gentle smile of Senju Mito. The youthful exuberance of Kushina. His friends in Uzu.

Naruto. The little hellion. Hiruzen allowed himself a small chuckle as he stood outside the aforementioned brat's apartment, sounds of three boys and a dog having a good time.

Alas, he would have to cut the their time short. He raised his weathered hand and knocked smartly on the door.

Naruto threw open the door, a trait he had developed to surprise those that had tried to hurt him here, at his home. Hiruzen knew that Naruto knew who was standing on this side of the door. The little Uzumaki had shown incredible skill with fuin tags ever since he was introduced to the basic ones at the Academy. One of which was a sensor seal designed for bolt holes, that Hiruzen had allowed Naruto to key him into.

"Heya, Ji-chan! Come in!"

The venerable Hokage entered the tiny (Pitifully tiny, Hiruzen repressed a wince) apartment. The Aburame (Abomination, his own family called him) Heir leaned into a corner, obivously (to Hiruzen, the boy was good, some ANBU would have a hard time noticing) hiding scrolls in his jacket. The Prime Inuzaka Canidate for the first ever Patriarch of the Inuzaka (Not that he knew it) sat, grinning wolfishly, with his ninken on the bed.

The Hokage greeted the other two boys, who bowed and returned his greetings with a 'Hokage-sama.'

"I am afraid, Naruto, that I have to ask your new teammates to leave."

"Okay, Ji-chan!" Naruto smiled brightly, before turning to the other boys, "We can pick up in the morning, maybe Anko-sensei can look over our plans and give us some help."

The two other boys left politely and shut the door quietly behind them.

Sarutobi looked at Naruto and smiled his best grandfather smile, and Naruto, in turn, smiled back with his traditional shit-eating foxy grin.

"We have something to talk about, Naruto. If you would retrieve the scroll containing your famil-"

Naruto had it out and open.

"Which of them are my parents? Can you just point? I won't tell anyone EVER I promise!"

Naruto looked so hopeful.

"Ah, Naruto, there are some issues, that you must understand," Saurtobi sighed as he sat on the (squeaky and lumpy, Hiruzen supressed a frown) bed, patting next to him.

Naruto clambered up on the bed next to his ji-chan, looking downtrodden, laying the scroll across his lap. Hiruzen pulled the scroll further open and across his lap as well.

"Your mother," he said pointing at Kushina's name, "and your father were never legally married, so only she is on here. They did, however, have a lovely ceremony. When the time comes for me to reveal who he was, I will show you pictures."

Naruto traced her name, silently mouthing it. He had a mother, with a name. The fact that technically he could be considered a bastard never even crossed his mind. He looked up at Hiruzen.

"Why was I never told before?"

Sarutobi actually sighed aloud.

"Both of your parents had very powerful enemies," Hiruzen traced the kanji for 'Kumo' and 'Iwa' on the scroll. Naruto nodded, getting the message, "It is very fortunate that your mother and father conducted themselves as true shinobi, though at the cost of your mother's reputation."

Naruto screwed up his face in confusion. And Sarutobi chuckled bitterly.

"Make no mistake your mother was faithful to your father, but if you asked many of the villagers who knew her or of her... Well, they would say she was as scarlet as her hair."

Naruto stared at the older man blankly.

"They thought she was a slut," he said usuing words the younger boy would understand, "Your father would henge into random men when they were about town. Leading most people to believe she slept with over a dozen men a week."

Naruto continued to stare at his grandfather, but Hiruzen noticed the tell-tale jumping of his jaw muscles. Naruto was resisting the urge to scream in anger.

Finally, Naruto ground out:

"Well, at least they managed to keep people off their trail."

Sarutobi chuckled again, this time it was far less bitter.

"Just so you know, she did the same thing for your father. He had quite the reputation as a ladies man. Though, given his sensei, it was far more understandable than your mother's 'philandering.'"

Naruto laughed out loud.

"They pranked EVERYONE? That's so awesome!"

"Yes, it is. Now, as to your father's wayward sensei... I," Sarutobi frowned. He traced the Kanji for 'Godfather' on the scroll, "believe he is still working tirelessly to make sure the secrets of your parentage and your... tenet don't get out. When you finally meet him, do not begrudge him. He loves you as if you were his own."

There went Naruto's jaw muscles again.

"I have one last revelation to make today, Naruto."

Naruto looked at Hirzuen quizzically.

"You're not a natural blonde."

XXXXX

Kiba chuckled when he heard Naruto's scream of 'WHAT?!' three blocks from his teammate's apartment.

As Kiba walked towards his family's compound, he began his daily ritual of pulling himself back in. Bow his head, scrunch his shoulders. Look smaller, weaker. Kiba knew, despite all everyone saying otherwise, he was not allowed to be strong. He was a Runt.

Kiba had been born small for a full-term baby, and subsequently placed in the Runt House. It was similar to the Branch house of the Hyuuga, except those predicted to be unlikely to bond with a ninken or amount to anything were placed there. In general Runts were treated better than Branch members, but there were cases of Runts being beaten to death by the other members of the clan.

Even now he was almost a head shorter than his cousins who weren't runts. Though what he didn't know was that his family was keeping track of his growth. He was more of a late bloomer than anything. He had just started a growth spurt and at the rate he was going he would be taller than his cousins before six months were out.

When he had bonded with Akamaru, another runt, he had been moved into the house of his mother. Who had turned out to be the Matriarch. It was like a slap to the nuts for Kiba. Even worse was Hana.

He entered the compound through the Runt's entrance. A small side-door in the compound's wall. Every major clan had walls, though for different reasons. The Hyuuga had a low wall to mark their property, the Uchiha wall used to keep villagers out, the Inuzaka had a wall to help keep the noise in.

The Inuzaka's neighbors were grateful.

Kiba sniffed the air. Hana was waiting for him over by the main gates. Hopefully he could slip by and get to his, he still couldn't believe he had his own, room. He really didn't want to deal with her.

Akamaru yipped softly. They had been spotted by one of the triplets. Hana came over quickly.

"Kiba-kun! Kiba-kun!" she called out to him.

He turned and lowered his head even more and bowed.

"Hana-sama, how may this one serve you?"

Hana, Kiba knew, swallowed. She hated this. She had been so excited when Kiba was born, only to have him taken away. Kiba being placed in the Runt House had caused all sorts of problems between her and her mother. Hana had even publicly promised to kill her mother as soon as Hana became the Matriarch.

"Kiba-kun, you don't have to do that anymore... Please call me Nee-chan?" she practically begged squatting down to look up into his face. He turned his face away, it was disrespectful for a Runt to look into another Inuzaka's face. A challenge.

"It wouldn't be right, Hana-sama. This one is unworthy."

If another Inuzaka heard Kiba call her 'nee-chan' he would likely get a beating. Well, he wouldn't but he believed he would.

Hana stood up abruptly and sighed.

"You're my little brother, Kiba-kun. You _are_ worthy."

"Of course, Hana-sama."

Hana took a deep breath fighting back a wave of sadness. She had wanted to be a big sister ever since she found out Kiba was on the way. She had wanted to play with him, take baths with him, tease him about girls, all the things that good big sisters did.

"Well, let's get you home, then. You missed dinner."

Kiba nodded, still looking at the ground.

"This one apologizes, he stayed late for a team bonding excercise."

They started making their way to the Matriarch's house.

"You don't have to apologize, its good that you went bonding with your team. But did you eat?"

"This one had cup ramen at his teammate's home."

Hana frowned. How rude! To only serve cup ramen!?

"Well, then, Kiba-kun, lets get out some leftovers and get you fed properly."

"This one beleives he has already eaten properly, as cup ramen is all this one deserves."

Hana had to really try this time, to not burst into tears. Kiba was always skipping meals or eating the meagre rations over at the Runt House with the Runts he still felt he was apart of. The abolishment of that damned tradition would be her very first act as Matriarch.

"Mom, we're home!" Hana called out as she and her brother, and their dogs, crossed the threshold.

"Welcome home, you six," Tsume said as she entered the hall, wiping off her hands. Kuromaru plodded out behind her give Akamaru a critical eye.

Kiba bowed deeply.

"Inuzaka-sama, this one greets you."

"Welcome home, pup. Now, get in the kitchen and eat the food left out for you and your ninken."

"Yes, Inuzaka-sama."

Kiba skirted around his mother and almost ran to the kitchen.

"This is your fault!" Hana hissed, "He won't even look at us!"

Tsume shrugged.

"Training is hard to break, sometimes. Especially when you try to teach them its okay to do things that they used to get beat for."

"Beatings you gave!"

Tsume looked at her eldest child, her face blank. She turned around and walked away, calling over her shoulder.

"It's been a long day, I'm going to bed. Make sure Kiba takes his bath and is in bed before you rack out."

Silence answered the Matriarch.

Tsume closed the door to her bedroom and powered up the silencing seal. She then promptly dissolved into a sobbing wreck. Yes, she had beaten Kiba. She had almost killed him a few times. She had to! Why couldn't Hana see? If Tsume had been kind to Kiba it would have been favouritism. As Matriarch she couldn't have favourites.

Each and every time Tsume had puked violently for hours afterwords, emptying her stomach and then just dry heaving. Her own child. She had broken his bones and spilt his blood. Nightmarish visions of him trying to scramble away, broken, bleeding, crying, afraid, plagued her every night. She did that to him. Tsume was a monster. And she knew it.

Her attempts at atoning for her sins to Kiba just reminded her how badly she had failed him as a mother, and so she would go out, henge into some random woman, and offer herself to the most disgusting pig she could find. Then allow him to violate her and use her as a cum dumpster. Make her feel like the disgusting, filthy, whorish monster she was.

XXXXX

Shino had been appointed the secret keeper of the group. And so, even over these measly training scrolls, he would give up his life. It was his duty.

As he entered his clan's compound through the main entrance in the hedges that surrounded the property, he felt the eyes of his kinsmen watch him.

He knew what they whispered. Shino had very early on used his Kikai to spy on his relatives and found out what they whispered around him.

'Abomination,' 'Freak,' and 'Monster' were the most common euphemisms.

Shino had been blessed, in his own eyes, with an exceptional colony of Kikai. The symbiotic relationship between host and Kikai was tighter in him than any living clan member. And according to clan records, very common back in the days of the clan wars.

His Kikai had a five percent longer life-span than his Aburame contemporaries and his hive went through a reproduciton cycle at a ten percent faster rate. In other words, he could breed his Kikai faster and have a much larger hive than what was considered normal.

His hive and personal growth were far ahead of schedule. And so his clan feared him. Luckily for Shino, his immediate family did not.

"Shino-kun," Shibi had been waiting for his son, "Come, your mother is worried sick."

Shino bowed to his father.

"I apologize, Father. I had lost track of time and forgot to send a message."

As they began walking to the Clan head's house, Shibi and Shino continued to converse.

"See to it that you do not do so again. You are aware of your mother's issues."

Shino nodded in affirmation. His mother was petite, and somewhat sickly. She had been the third daughter of a minor noble in the far reaches of Fire Country, born prematurely and forever struggling with sickness. She couldn't bear another child, not that she wanted to. She loved Shino with all of her heart.

"I will not do so again."

A small female missile collided with Shino as he stood up from removing his shoes.

"Shino-kun! I was so worried! Have you eaten?"

It was his mother.

Shino hugged his mother back, noting the small smile on his father's face. Despite being sickly, Hitomi tried very hard to be a good mother and wife, and was loved by the entire clan.

"I had a small meal at my teammate's home. As did my partners."

Hitomi looked at her son and patted his head.

"Well, come, have some snacks and tell us about your teammates! Coming, husband?" she asked, standing on her tip toes and aiming to kiss her husband on the cheek. Shibi obliged and leaned down, placing a steadying hand on her back.

Soon the head Aburame family was seated around the table, sipping tea, and munching on some snacks.

"Shino-kun, tell us about your new friends!" his mother demanded.

"Inuzaka Kiba is loud but moves very quietly. He has good situational awareness and a solid grasp on tactics. Akamaru is very similar. The two of them work very well together, as observed outside normal Academy spars."

Shibi nodded, "And your other teammate, Hyuuga Hinata?"

Shino adjusted his glasses, "Your incorrect naming of my final teammate leads me to beleive that there was a sudden and quick shuffling of teams. Hyuuga Hinata is not my second teammate. Rather, Uzumaki Naruto is."

Hitomi, who didn't get out much, just nodded happily, but Shibi? Shibi frowned deeply.

"And your assessment of Uzumaki Naruto?"

"It is currently under revision. The facts that remain the same are his unusual stamina and cheerfulness. What I did not know was that because of his pranking experience he is very good at strategy, planning, and logistics. There is far more to Uzumaki Naruto than meets the eye."

Shino took a sip of his tea.

"It was also confirmed today that Naruto is truly an Uzumaki."

At this Hitomi spit out her tea and began coughing. Her two men were instantly at her side attempting to get her to breathe correctly.

"The boy is really an Uzumaki?"

Shino nodded, unsure of why his mother was reacting this way. She was far paler than usual. She smiled weakly.

"I'm afraid for anybody who comes up against your team, Shino-kun. If he learns his clan's styles and techniques... Well, lets just say there was a reason why it took four villages thirteen days to seige Uzushio. And then the Inuzaka? There is a reason why Grass is terrified of Konoha and it isn't anyone else but the Inuzaka."

She kissed his forehead.

"And then we have my strong son. I really pity those who come up against you."

She stood with a little help from Shibi.

"I think I'm going to go lie down. If you could just put the dishes in the kitchen, I'll get them in the morning."

Shino nodded.

"Of course, Mother."

Shino washed all of the dishes before going to bed that night.

XXXXX

Naruto fingered his now red hair. It was still spiky and wild but it was red.

"And a seal did this?"

Sarutobi nodded. They had just released the fuin that spanned the entirety of Naruto's scalp, placed there when he was but a babe. Luckily for Naruto, releasing the seal didn't require them to shave his head again.

Naruto smiled toothily at his Ji-chan.

"Seals are fucking cool!"

Hiruzen chuckled.

"That they are."

XXXXX

"'Ruka-kuuuuuuuuuuuuun~"

Iruka froze. Before bolting.

Anko had found him again. At least she had the decency to not do this in front of the children earlier.

"Come back, 'Ruka-kun! I got some new toys I want to try out!"

Iruka fought down the panic in his heart and pushed chakra into his legs. He would need it to get to his house before she did. He would be safe there.

After getting very drunk one night, Iruka had been taken home by Anko, who intended to 'show him a good time.' She had tried to tie him up and do the whole fem dom thing. Irukla wasn't game for that and had using his superb mastery of the basics slip the ropes and reverse the situation.

Anko had loved it.

Anko was insatiable.

Iruka had to teach tomorrow gorramit! He can't look tired and haggard! Those kids smell weakness like a shark smells blood. If she could only wait 'til the weekend.

XXXXX

A/N: Everyone has problems at home. In ninja land they can be pretty serious. Kiba could have a better home life, but like Tsume said: sometimes training is hard to break. Shino's home life is pretty good, but his clan life, and life out and about town is pretty much what Naruto's is out and about. Naruto was never chased or randomly beaten out on the street, but that doesn't mean drunks didn't wander up to his home and try to give him a good beating. Or vandalize his home.

I wanted to focus more on Shino and Kiba this chapter, and give them reasons to latch onto the team. Kiba's is easily visible. Shino's reason will come before the Chunin exams.

As always:

Please Reveiw

V

V

V


	4. Chapter 4: Duck Soup and High Cotton

Turn That Frown Upside Down

or

Duck Soup and High Cotton

Part One

Kiba was the first to arrive at the Village Hidden in Fuck Yous. Or as he'd taken to calling it in his mind, The Sneaky Finger. Strangely enough, the training ground was shaped like a fist giving the middle finger to the sky.

The designer really hated those goddamn sky ninja.

Akamaru barked and began sniffing around and wandering the streets, Kiba would call him when the whole team had shown up, and TG42 was theirs in the day time for teh forseeable future. Anko-sensei had mentioned that she had to book it for night training, but ANBU and other nin didn't use these training grounds during the day most of the time.

Akamaru started the rather long process of laying out a scent map for him and Kiba. It would take several weeks to have a comprehensive personal map of the streets and even longer to map the insides of what facilities Akamaru could sneak into.

Ninja dog, ninja tactics.

He was still rubbing up against certain things and pissing on others. A Ninja dog was still a dog after all.

His little floppy ears twitched at the warning whistle from Kiba. One of the new immediate pack members had showed up so Akamaru should start making his way back.

Shino nodded to his new teammate in greeting and adjusted his glasses.

"No sign of Naruto yet," Kiba offered, "Akamaru is familiarizing himself with the Sneaky Finger."

The Inuzaka thumbed back over his shoulder.

"A wise choice. Why do I say that? Because I have also started using my partners to do the same."

Kiba gave the Aburame a crooked smile before turning and squatting in front of the new arrival Akamaru. The began converseing in pack tones and terms.

It was just a series of growls, whines, barks, and whimpers to outsiders, but Kiba had a sneaking suspicion that Naruto understood it like a full Inuzaka member. Akamaru had a mouth on him, and the blonde had snickered at a few of his quips.

"Hey guys!"

Shino and Kiba adjusted their position to greet the final genin member of the squad. However, things were a bit different. So different that Shino's glasses began to slide down his nose and Kiba just left his mouth hanging open.

That was definitely Naruto.

His hair was definitely not blonde, but the deep, vibrant red of the main Uzumaki clan house.

And there was no orange! NONE! Well, none was visible.

Kiba considered falling to his knees and loudly praising the Inu-kami that had blessed the Inuzaka generations ago, but decided that a private offering later would suffice.

Naruto was wearing a slightly loose dark blue shirt under a strange blue and black vest. It had one large strap going over his left shoulder that came down and made up most of the front of his vest and a smaller strap going over his right shoulder. There was a single large pouch on the bottom right on the front and the entire left side was dedicated to horizontal scroll pockets that grew in size as they descended. His pants were black and taped off around his calf and he wore black shinobi sandals. His usual weapon pouches had been replaced with dark grey versions.

"You like?" Naruto asked, noticing his teammates giving his new outfit a once over, "This is apparently the standard genin uniform from Uzushiogakure. Apparently, since the Senju and Uzumaki were such great friends Konoha has a _huge_ stash of Uzu style armor and weapons! It even has the clan seal!"

He spun around and thumbed at the white swirl that sat in between his shoulder blades.

Then Naruto lit up.

"Oh! And apparently Hokage-jiji sealed my hair a different color when I was really little to keep the Damiyo from going ape shit."

He rubbed the back of his head in true Naruto style.

"Hokage-jiji said the Damiyo, civilians, and non-ninja militaries that're not Fire or Uzu really, _really_ don't like Uzumaki."

Not that the citizens of Konoha like him very much, but a little more hate never hurt anyone. Except Uzushio.

"That's right, Gaki number one! And that's what we're countin' on. A little bit of fear factor from your families."

All three genin spun and crouched in defensive stances, startled by the voice not five feet from them. But their eyes couldn't find anyone.

"Up."

They looked up and saw their sensei, clad in all of her scanty glory, standing with her arms crossed and a smirk on her face. But what really surprised them was that she was standing horizontally on the wall of the building right above them in such a position that her shadow wouldn't have been noticed by any of them.

She had been a special jonin for a long time and had been jonin worthy for a few years. She was good.

Her smirk turned into a full blown grin and she dropped into the middle of them.

"So, show me what you got."

Shino removed the scrolls from an inner pocket sown into the inside hem of his coat and the three boys began regaling her with their plan to snatch the most treasured possession of one Hatake Kakashi.

XXXXX

Phase one:

The target, codenamed Crow-bringer, according to information, stood at the memorial stone for more than a few hours a day. Both in the morning and in the evening. But their strike would happen in the morning.

It was as he left that he would begin reading his literature.

He also left the memorial stone by almost the same path every morning, the deviation occurring three blocks into Konoha from the memorial graveyard. Two blocks in is where they would strike, the foot traffic was heaviest there. Naruto bunshin would bled into the crowd henged as random people, herding civilians away usuing sneaky tactics and becoming the crowd around him.

A ground level trap would be remotely triggered, spraying most of the area before the intersection with kunai and shuriken that would be launched a foot off the ground on a ground-parallel trajectory.

Shinobi of his level would instinctively avoid weapons and traps they triggered with the least amount of effort possible. Well, they avoided anything they could with the least amount of effort possible.

Crow-bringer would jump.

Then a barrage of cream pies would be thrown, courtesy of more Naruto bunshin, at the target. The target would see them and recognize the prank. He would most likely avoid all the pies by twisting his body into the purposeful gap left in the pies throwing pattern.

The gap would only be wide enough for him to turn sideways and would likely leave cream on the very front of his vest. This would force him to raise his literature high. Initiating Phase Two.

XXXXX

Phase Two:

A hidden Kiba would launch his faithful ninken, hopped up on Inuzaka clan ninken stimulants, at the priority object, codenamed Folio. Akamaru would snatch Folio from his grasp. Crow-bringer would be unwilling to allow Folio to be damaged and so would not hesitate to let go.

Akamaru would tear down the street and duck into an alleyway with a hole in the bottom fence where he would drop Folio and pickup the mock up Folio. Shino would be waiting near by.

Shino would henge his partners into the common fly and have them swarm over Folio, making it appear to be a piece of organic refuse. After Crow-bringer passed Folio and chased after Akamaru, Shino would have his partners bring Folio to him, completeing their secondary objective.

Akamaru would hopefully make it to the Inuzaka Boneyard. On the edge of the Boneyard a prepared hole would be dug. Akamaru would drop the fake Folio into the hole and bury "Folio." Then he would bail. Starting Phase Three.

XXXXX

Phase Three:

Phase Three was the actualy 'assassination.'

Upon unearthing the "Folio," Crow-bringer would trigger the final trap.

A series of paint bombs to stand in for actual explosives.

XXXXX

Contingency:

Should Akamaru be apprehended, he would be swapped, via Kawarmi, with a Naruto bunshin henged into the ninken covered in paint tags. This should allow for the assassination to take place, but with civillian casualties, something that was to avoided as much as possible as outlined by mission parameters.

XXXXX

Anko cackled gleefully before setting the boys to todays light training. Which consisted of a series of runnning battles in TG42 for the morning, in which she took them apart over and over again. Before each reset Anko would tear through their techniques, tactics, and procedures (TTPs).

"If the mission is blown, go nuts! Kill and destroy as much as possible in order to distract the forces pursuing you. If they're stationed at rear points most of them are genin or chunin with a few jonin restricted to light duty. Their orders are mostly LNO (Law and Order) and patrols. And most likely will only chase you out of the immediate area anyways."

"Naruto! You can literally create a fucking army at the drop of a hat! Fucking do it!"

"Shino! Fuck off! Aburame are crazy fucking good with Kikaichu Bunshin and Kawarmi, fuck damnit! Leave some scattered through out the fucking town!"

"Mutt! Akamaru! Aren't Inuzaka supposed to be the fucking fastest things that actually stay grounded without the use of jutsu?! Pick up the fucking pace!"

"YOU'RE A GODDAMNED TEAM! FUCKING ACT LIKE IT!"

After a brief twenty minute lunch break she set them to the tree climbing excercise.

"You can fucking do this, you can run on roofs, along walls, upside fucking down. Even fucking faster! Chakra control can do so many fucking things! You should see some of the higher exercises with practical applications."

It would also increase her non-Jinchuriki student's capacities. She would have to set Naruto to more control oriented tasks as homework along with his recent fuinjutsu and ninjutsu practice. The Hokage had given a few ninjutsu scrolls as a graduation gift. He was tight-lipped about most of them at the moment, citing not working on them yet.

But the Ninpo: Hari Jizo and the Ninpo: Ranjishigami were the ones he was working on at the moment and the ones he discussed. Anko surmised they were also the only non-elemental jutsu the boy had. The Uzumaki had been the single largest concentration of Wind users outside of Suna after all. And by far the largest concentration of Wind users in a clan. Most non-weapon aided techniques could be attributed to them.

Which begs the question, how did Suna get their sandy mitts on most of them? Why trade, of course! My wind jutsu for yours!

"I'm working on growing my hair at the moment, but it'll get easier as my hair grows naturally," Naruto provided, "Since I won't have to use as much chakra to get it to grow fast."

"So you're gonna have a sissy-girl's hair? That's a laugh!" Kiba ribbed his teammate.

He was rewarded with a dick slap before they stopped training as a team before dinner.

"Uzumaki men traditionally had long hair, asshole!"

Anko was so psyched for tomorrow. She would observe from one of the Barrier Team's side rooms.

XXXXX

A/N: A bit longer than the last chapter. And laying down most of what happens next chapter, but don't be discouraged! It'll be live with interactions and shiz instead of just a plan.

As always, please review!

V

V

V


	5. Chapter 5: Dafuq?

A/N: Disclaimer : I do not own Naruto.

Turn That Frown Upside Down!

or

Dafuq?

"Daddy?"

Inoichi looked up from the trays of flowers he was working on to see his princess, Ino. He stood and wiped the dirt off his hands.

"Yes, Princess?"

Ino walked forward swinging her feet and with her hands behind her back.

"Hypothetically, how would you feel if I said there was a boy I liked more than Sasuke-kun?"

Deep, deep inside of Inoichi, Inner Inoichi was torn. Should he jump with joy that she was over that emo bratty shit stain that should have made a brown stain on Mitoko's mattress? Or should he immediately threaten the new boy?

"Hypothetically," he answered slowly, "I would have to withhold judgement until I heard who the new boy was."

Ino got a look in her eyes. Inoichi knew that it wasn't exactly the answer she was looking for and she was displeased.

"Hypothetically, that new boy is Uzumaki Naruto-kun."

He suppressed a wince. The boy had a few psychological issues, surprisingly for the life he had been leading; was the container for the Kyuubi, which could lead to problems in and of itself; and it had just been revealed that Naruto was really an Uzumaki and the Sandaime was planning on asking the boy to participate in the Clan Restoration Act.

"Hypothetically, I would have to tell you that you would only set yourself up for heartbreak."

Ino's cheeks puffed out and she stamped her foot childishly.

"That's what you said about Sasuke-kun!"

"Ino..."

Before he could even begin to explain himself, she stomped off.

"Fine, Daddy, I'll just do whatever I want again."

Inoichi felt his eyes roll back in his head.

XXXXX

Ino was going through her wardrobe, looking for exactly the right thing to wear.

"Naruto is kinda immature, boyish, I suppose."

Her musings were spoken aloud as she attempted to find that perfect outfit.

"So I'll have to be the mature one. Oh! His favourite color is orange!"

That light orange spaghetti-strap tank top was a must. A white blouse to go over it. There the top was decided, now to find something to wear on the bottom half of her body.

"Short skirts say slutty-sexy and that's not very mature. Full pants won't bring out enough sexy."

Ino tapped her chin in thought until she remembered a gift from her aunty she got last month.

"Khaki capris! Perfect! Now some shoes to show off the calves."

Eventually she settled on some low heeled, open toed barely shinobi sandals. Her new forehead protector belt and her weapons pouch, she was a ninja and Naruto was all about ninjas, and she was good to go.

Now to figure out where Naruto actually lived.

Ino kissed her mother goodbye, picked up her stylish adult hand purse, and bounded out the door to woo the new boy of her dreams.

XXXXX

This was frustrating! No one she knew who knew Naruto actually knew where he lived. She finally went to the Registry and looked it up.

She frowned mentally. That was in the poorest section of town, near the entertainment and pleasure districts. That and his lack of parents suddenly explained so much (or so she thought) about Naruto. It also made him far more tragic than she thought. Maybe there was some bishie qualities in him after all?

Ino suppressed the blush of how she would heal his emotional wounds with love. And kisses.

The sun had just touched the horizon and it was just getting to be dinner time when she found his apartment building. It looked worn, but well kept. Either way it looked far better than the building opposite it, which obviously had to be condemned.

She stood outside his door for a moment, gathering her courage before knocking.

The door snapped open, surprising Ino, and she found herself staring at a mop of red hair.

"Oh, sorry," she said before the owner of the hair could say anything, "I must have the wrong address."

"Ino?"

Ino did a double take. Bright blue eyes peered at her through the locks of red, whisker marks adorned the boy's cheeks. He was barefoot, wearing long shorts and a baggy dark blue t-shirt with an orange Konoha leaf.

"Naruto?"

Naruto scowled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Can I help you?"

Ino gaped for a moment before collecting herself, the mantra 'be mature' running through her head.

"Ah, yes, um, wouldyouliketogotodinnerwithme?" she pushed out in a rush, cursing her nerves. With Sasuke rejection was pretty much guaranteed, so Ino could throw herself at him and not actually worry about it, Naruto was a whole new ball game.

Naruto for his part gave her the most confused look he had ever worn. It was as if his brain was hurting. He had never been this confused, not even that one time a stammering and blushing Iruka had tried to teach him about the birds and the bees. Teuchi-ojisan had taken pity on the chuunin and with a guffaw explained boys and girls and the physical part of relationships. It wasn't like ninja didn't talk about their most recent conquests at the ramen bar once the sun went down.

Naruto had nodded and with a look of understanding told them: 'Oh, you mean what Yukari-nee-chan does with her johns. She already explained this to me with some guy with really weird silver hair.'

And that was that. Naruto didn't want to explain that they had demonstrated most of what they had spoken about. Well, whatever girl was lucky enough to be with Naruto would be happily surprised.

Back to the weirdest moment of his life to date. Her was Yamanaka Ino, self-proclaimed Sasuke lover, asking_ him_ to dinner? Dafuq just happened?

However, he recovered easily enough, eyeing her purse.

"Are you paying? Because I gotta save money until we start doing missions, I don't get my orphan stipend anymore, now that I'm a gennin."

Ino was ready to blast Naruto a new one about how the man was supposed to pay until she heard his reasons. A small frown flashed across her face before a brilliant smile took its place.

"Sure, my treat."

Naruto nodded, stepping back to allow Ino into his apartment.

"Come in, I need to get changed and pick a few things up first. Tea?"

Jiji was family, but Ino was a guest. Jiji said to always be polite to guests and treat them nicely.

Ino shook her head as she took off her shoes and stepped fully into his one room (not including the bathroom, thank heavens) apartment. She would totally use the time to snoop a little bit.

"You can sit anywhere, but I recommend the chair," Naruto gestured to the chair at his table, going through his drawers and closet for something that came close to matching the quality of style Ino was wearing. Finding some things he walked into his bathroom to change.

Ino didn't sit though and wandered around the apartment, poking here and there at things. It was much, _much _cleaner than she expected. There were some free weights in the corner near the bed, his trash wasn't overflowing, only a single article of clothing wasn't in a hamper or put away (A shirt laying on Naruto's bed), a shelf full of scrolls, and a few open scrolls on the table complete with a calligraphy set.

On his dresser were some pictures. Most of them were a growing Naruto, smiling at the camera goofily in each one, with a grinning Sandaime Hokage. The last one was from team assignments. Kiba, Shino, Naruto, and the crazy purple haired lady that had broken a window and had a sign were all (Even Shino!) looking like idiots at the camera, though the Naruto in _every single _picture had blonde hair not red.

A squeak of cork on glass brought Ino out of her investigation. She whirled around to see Naruto picking up the scrolls and caligraphy set that sat on the table. She blushed lightly at being caught looking. She opened and shut her mouth a few times, but Naruto wasn't even looking at her. He was too busy putting everything straight, so she just took the time to address what he was wearing.

Some khaki slacks and a black short-sleeve button up with blue and white stitching that depicted waves along the bottom hem. Judging from how new they looked they must have been a gift for graduating from the Sandaime.

Naruto put his fists on his hips and nodded. Looking at Ino he asked if she was ready to go.

Together they set off into the evening, to placate the monsters in their bellies.

Or so Naruto thought.

XXXXX

Kiba entered through the side gate again only to be instantly accosted by a seemingly irate Hana. She got right up in his face and he was backed up against the wall, her face inches from his and her single extended finger almost touching his nose.

"You _will_ address me as nee-chan, or you will be punished. You _will_ speak to me informally, or you will be punished. You _will_ look me in the eyes, or you will be punished. Do you understand me?"

What in the Inu-kami's backyard was this shit?!

Hana's eyes narrowed and she poked his nose.

"I said, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Hana-saaannneee-chan."

_Phew_, Kiba thought, _that was a close one_.

Hana dropped her hand and smile sweetly at him before slinging an arm around his shoulders and dragging him towards the Matriarch's house, chattering away a mile a minute. Kiba looked over his shoulder at Akamaru with a 'help me' expression only to find the triplets swarming over his own canine companion, similar to what Hana had just been doing.

It got even weirder during dinner. Tsume was initially puzzled by how Kiba was treating Hana, but decided to let it slide. Maybe there had been some sort of heartbreaking revelation. So she just shrugged and ate her food.

"Kiba-kun!" Hana called up the stairs after her brother (he had attempted a swift retreat), "Get your bath things! We're gonna take a bath together!"

Tsume raised an eyebrow at that one.

"Taking a bath together? Hana, you're alm-"

Hana glared at her mother.

"We are catching up on lost time," the younger female ground out, before stomping away.

Tsume just shrugged, returning to her dishes. Maybe she should join them? Family bonding and all that. Perhaps Kiba would at least refer to Tsume as his mother then.

XXXXX

Hana practically skipped to the bath, dragging a slightly protesting Kiba along. He wasn't verbally protesting, but the gouges he was tearing in the floor spoke of his determination to get away, and the fear in his eyes... Hana ignored it all.

She hummed happily as they both stripped down, facing away from each other. Kiba quickly entered before she did, damn her bra! When he got in there he screamed through his bath routine, scrubbing away as quickly as he could so he could get into the water and get out.

All scrubbing ceased as Hana reached around and took the implements of cleaning from his hands.

"Let me do that for you, Kiba-kun."

Shit had officially reached a nine on the Weird Shit o' Meter. It stayed a nine until Hana decided to wash his hair. Then it sky-rocketed to about a thirteen. Hana was pressing her chest into his back.

He could feel where the cloth stopped and Hana's skin began. Her bosom felt soft.

And he was instantly reminded of that one time he had peeped on the Inuzaka bath houses and seen his aunties in the buff. And the beating that followed. He had actually gotten off lightly. Apparently, one of his distantly related aunties had heard him say something about how gorgeous she was.

It resulted in Kiba getting flashed by said aunt, and an offer to 'teach him how to please a woman,' once he got healed up.

Which until this exact moment had been the number one weirdest shit to ever happen to him.

"H-hana-sama!"

Hana frowned, not entirely realizing what was going through Kiba's head. She managed to twist him around slightly as she smooshed his head into her semi-naked bosom in a hug.

"I told you! You were gonna get punished! And now you have to suffer thirty seconds of hugging!"

Fifteen. FIF-FUCKING-TEEN! Alarms of all sorts were going off in Kiba's head, he focused on one in particular, and that was his un-doing. He made sure to adjust his towel and himself as subtly as possible. And of course in his state of panic, it wasn't very subtle and Hana picked up on it.

"Oh? Is Kiba-kun _excited_?" she breathed into his one ear that wasn't pressed against her naked flesh, "Should I be Hana-_chan_ instead of nee-chan? Why don't you let me see and take care of it for you?"

TWENTY! TWENTY! ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP!

Kiba wrenched himself away.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY YOU CRAZY WOMAN!"

Hana lunged, giggling, aiming for Kiba's towel, which was doing very little to preserve his dignity. The action knocked loose Hana's towel and it popped her puppies into full view. It also knocked Kiba and Hana to the ground. Hana held herself up on her hands, looking straight down at her towel covered prize.

She continued to giggle as Kiba's hands began to push on her head. Before he could twist his hips away, Hana used her greater weight and strength to hold him down and remain where she was. Right as she began to lift the towel away and Kiba's frantic, panicky voice reached new heights, another voice ripped through the steamy air.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, HANA?!"

Tsume stood there in a towel that barely held itself on her, feet shoulder width apart, her arms and hands twitching, with a furious look on her face.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG LADY! WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS!"

Hana brokered no argument and got up to leave, completely dropping her towel. Try as he might, Kiba could not tear his eyes away from her perky rump as she walked away with some serious sway in her swift steps. Hana looked over her shoulder just before she left and blew him a kiss.

Kiba just open and closed his mouth like a fish, laying on the floor with a tented towel.

"Pup!" Tsume's voice cut through his hormone and morally conflicted addled mind, "Pick yourself up and relax."

Kiba scrambled into a seiza, instantly deflating.

"Of course, Inuzaka-sama."

Tsume sighed and palmed her face.

"Here I was, hoping for a nice bath with my hopefully wonderfully behaved children and I get this..."

Kiba winced, his eyes glued to the floor.

"This one is-"

"Don't apologize, Pup. It was all her, I saw enough."

Tsume knelt down in front of her son and lifted his face to hers.

"Are you alright?"

Kiba nodded, looking fearfully into the Matriarch's eyes.

"Wash the soap out of your hair and get into the bath. Relax, don't rush."

Kiba nodded again slowly. Tsume let him go and went about washing herself. For his part, Kiba rinsed his hair and hopped in the bath, facing into a corner as to not look over at Tsume. It was all in vain as Tsume showed that she could enter the water, and move silently through it when she hugged him from behind.

Kiba stiffened considerably. Tsume just hugged him gently, but pulled him tighter against her naked self. Kiba was again struggling with the Weird Shit o' Meter. She pushed them around and put her back to a corner, leaning back into it and pulling Kiba with her.

"Relax Pup. You've done nothing wrong."

It was really hard to relax when he was, well, hard because of his sister and mother. Who he didn't know if he really considered them that, which may or may not make it worse.

The two Inuzaka just sat there for a few minutes in silence.

"I'm sorry, Pup. I was- am a terrible mother to you."

"Inuz-"

"Shush, you. Its true. It really is."

And they descended into silence again. Unfortunately, for Kiba the continued presence of naked feminine thighs running along his, the slight scratch of Tsume's pubic hair against his buttocks, and the squishy feel of her breasts pressed into his back did nothing to quell his difficulties.

Tsume shifted and peered over Kiba's shoulder, down her son's chest, and into the water.

"Yanno, your Jun-oba-san keeps asking me if the reason I haven't sent you over to her to break in is because I've been doing it myself."

Kiba turned his head mechanically to stare at his mother's face. She was still staring down at his crotch. She turned her head and flashed him a toothy smile.

"Good news, Pup, you take after your father in the right places."

Kiba couldn't take it anymore. With a howl he ran naked through the house and dove under his bed covers, hiding from the crazy women in his house. Tsume's laughter ringing in his ears the whole time.

XXXXX

"So," Ino started as they walked towards the restaurant she picked out, "Why is your hair red?"

"Civillians generally don't like Uzumaki, so Jij- Hokage-jiji, decided to use fuinjutsu to change my hair color to blonde."

Ino nodded as she looked around. Indeed they were getting a pretty wide berth. Civillians were avoiding him. Makes sense. She glanced down at his hand briefly. As she asked her next question she moved slightly closer, as to allow the backs of their hands to occasionally touch.

"That sucks. How's your team?"

Naruto gave her a foxy smile that just plain out brightened her evening.

"Its awesome. Kiba an' Shino are some pretty sweet dudes, and Anko-sensei is unbelievably awesome!" his face screwed up into a scowl for a moment, "Even though she can be a total bitch when she hits me in the head with the kunai ring."

He rubbed the back of his head before he cried out in pain and crumpled to the ground, clutching at the new egg on his head. Ino whipped out a kunai and moved to defend Naruto from... a dango-eating, purple-haired, shit-eating-grinning Anko-sensei.

"Now is that anyway to talk about your sensei?"

Before Naruto could fully recover from his position on the ground and shout at his sensei, Anko bodily picked up a surprised Ino.

"Gonna borrow your girlfriend, gaki."

With that she disappeared.

"WHAT THE FUCK, YOU CR- where'd they go?"

XXXXX

"Explain."

The fun-loving but slightly sadistic jonin from before was gone.

"I like him."

In her place stood the Snake Bitch.

"Bullshit, you treat him like shit for six years and then expect me to believe that?"

Anko slammed Ino against the wall and pressed a kunai to her throat.

"I'll let you finish this date, but you have to prove to_ me _that you like him and are a _serious_ kunoichi before I even _think _about letting you go on another."

Anko let Ino go. She fell unceremoniously to the ground.

"If I so much as think for a _moment _that you are trying to sabotage my gennin or use him, I will_ personally _crush you."

With that Anko poofed away in a swirl of leaves. Ino shakily stood and plastered a smile on her face as she walked out of the alley Anko had brought her to, time to find Naruto.

XXXXX

Naruto and Ino had found each other and the date went pleasantly. The wait staff at the food joint the ended up at had been obviously forcing themselves to be polite to him and overall the service was much less than what it usually was (at least to Ino, for Naruto it was way better). But there were no other problems. The food had been good and Ino learned a lot of about Naruto (or at least she thought she did). After dessert is when it got positively strange.

Ino held his hand the entire way back to her house. Not just cupped hand holding but straight on interlaced fingers hand holding. And she was doing it in full view of the general public. Naruto had asked about it, but the tone, look, and smile Ino used to reply to his question had survival bells going off in his head. So he let it be.

Then they stood outside Ino's house for all of five minutes. Ino got visibly frustrated.

"From now on you do this after you walk me home from a date!"

Before he could ask what she meant, Ino grabbed him by the shirt and smashed her mouth into his. His eyes were wide with shock but his mouth and hands were moving subconsciously, deepening the kiss. Ino jumped on the deeper kiss like a starving man does on food. Next thing Naruto knew he was staring at the stars as a very peeved Inoichi was pulling his screaming and kicking daughter off of Naruto.

Naruto didn't notice the father-daughter screaming match as he slowly made his way home, occasionally touching his own lips.

XXXXX

"Dafuq?"

Shino's glasses slid to the end of his nose as Naruto related his story from last night.

Kiba just scoffed.

"Mine was so much more fucked up."

XXXXX

A/N : Longest chapter pre-notes so far. A little over 3.5k words. Its also not the chapter I had originally planned. I was going to just go straight to the mission sim, but a few of these scenes would not let me be. Like Hana with a little brother complex. And a completely scare the shit out of her own kids weird Tsume. And the date with Ino and her attempts at getting her daddy to like the new boy she likes.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. :D

**Please read. **Reviews, people reviews. I don't want to emotionally blackmail anybody but the key, at least for me, is reviews. I get excited when my email is bombarded by reviews. I write the next chapter sooner and put more effort into it, I get more reviews, and so on. A cycle if you would. Teucrian is the only person who has reviewed for every single chapter.

This bothers me a little.

Also, I only got two reviews for the last chapter. Two. This makes me feel bad, because I feel like I have failed you, my audience. This chapter is my attempt to get you guys excited about this story again. Its longer, its got some weird shit going on, and it sets up for some other weird shit. Honestly, if this chapter flops, I'm going back to Rosario+Vampire fanfiction, where I know I kick ass. ( I have one of the top 50 most reviewed stories in that fandom. And I haven't touched that story in such a long time. I still get reviews for both of my big R+V stories.) I came to the Naruto fandom because I really like reading in this fandom. But I may leave it because I no longer like writing for it.

When it comes down to it, all I want is for you guys to tell me what you liked, what you didn't like, hell did you even like the story/chapter at all? I would prefer a well thought out review to a 'I love/hate it,' but anything is better than nothing.


	6. Chapter 6: Duck Soup: Part Duex

A/N: I don't own Naruto. Wish I did, it'd be a sight more awesome than what's going on now.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

or

Duck Soup and High Cotton

Part Deux

Anko marched into the Barrier Team's domain ignoring the gasps of violation. If they thought just her being here and using the Barrier Team's skills for something more active than scanning the general populace was violating... Well, maybe they should come visit her in Threats and Interviewing.

That was really it's name.

Some mumbo-jumbo about making the civilians feel good.

Whatever.

Anko opened the room she had been reserved to find her temporary minion.

"Temporary minion! Bring up Sector Five-Alpha-Sigma-Seven!"

The temporary minion looked confused.

"Do you mean the graveyard? Because thats Zone Six, Sub Section Seven. And that's what your paperwo-"

"Yes, yes, just get one with the show, damnit!"

The minion just shrugged and brought up the desired section of Konoha for her viewing pleasure. It was, unfortunately, in white and blue, with a spark of red. That had to be her blon- red-headed gaki. The one with the stomach problem.

Anko opened her box of Dango and settled down to watch the carnage.

XXXXX

"Fang, Storm, this is Bugsy, radio check."

Shino was in the planned alley with a few Kikai bunshin strategically placed around, to allow for a quick escape. His job here was to make sure that the 'homeless person' and the 'refuse' were beyond reproach. Once he had the secondary objective secured he was to make it to the rendezvous point with all do haste.

"Bugsy, Fang, lickin' chicken, how me, over?"

"Fang, Bugsy, same, out."

"Bugsy, Storm, lima charlie, how me, over?"

"Storm, Bugsy, same, out."

It was do or die time.

"All stations, all stations, this is Bugsy, begin Operation: Scarecrow, over."

XXXXX

A smirk crossed Kiba's face. This was gonna be fun. A quick grunt and Akamaru would maintain a stonelike facade as they waited for the signal from one of the Storm elements. He replied to Shino's call for the operation to begin and settled down for the waiting part of hurry-up and wait.

XXXXX

A cruel, sadistic grin crossed Naruto's face. Poor Inu-nii would never know what hit him. A hand signal and a huge crowd of Naruto stood there. They began applying their disguises and dropped into the street as silently and unobtrusively as possible.

Time to begin moving the civilians out of the kill zone and set up the traps.

One Naruto clone transformed into a rat and scurried off towards the Memorial Stone where the target was supposed to be. Another transformed into Akamaru and Naruto began applying his custom paint tags. This was their only real contingency.

Something, Anko planned on teaching them, which was generally never enough.

XXXXX

Kakashi stood staring at the stone.

For hours.

Ye Gods, it was so boring. He didn't even talk!

Wait! Movement. The target was removing the secondary objective from his pouch and moving away from the stone. As Kakashi moved along the correct route, he barely noticed a rat scurrying away.

"The rat-catchers are doing such a poor job..."

A flick of the wrist and the rat was no more. Literally. But for a ninja of his caliber, Kakashi never noticed the puff of smoke.

XXXXX

Naruto jerked upright with a start.

"That fucking asshole!" he started bitching, "Let's just kill some of the local wi..ld..."

He stopped in his rant and blinked.

"All stations, All stations, this is Storm, Crow-bringer is on the move along approved route. Out."

XXXXX

Kiba perked up considerably and let out another grunt. Akamaru prepped himself. The little white puppy began to stretch. He would need every bit of edge he could gain.

XXXXX

Shino adjusted his glasses and double checked his transformations and bunshins.

XXXXX

Anko woke with a snort and a 'whozere?!'

The poor temporary minion would never be the same. The kunai was millimeters from his precious. It took everything he had to not faint on the spot.

Anko wiped the drool from her cheek and focused her momentarily bleary eyes on the screen. It was go time for her boys.

XXXXX

Kakashi was wondering what excuse he would use today. Maybe something about peanut butter being stuck on the roof of his mouth and having to go to the hospital to have it removed.

Nah, not cooky enough.

What about something pertaining to eskimo? Ah, yes, he helped out a group of tourist eskimo who were woefully lost in Konoha. Cooky, and it made him look like a good guy. Kakashi eye-smiled as he turned the page in his book.

That's when it happened. He heard the low whistle of a few braces of kunai being launched. Judging from the position of the sounds they were coming for him, about mid-calf. A little hop over should be enough.

Once he was airborne Kakashi identified a strange wet sound flying through the air at him. He turned his head to see a flight of pies. PIES. He saw the gap and twisted, matching his revolution to the timing of the pies' flight. It was tight, so he hoisted his beloved first edition, signed by the author copy of Come Come Paradise.

XXXXX

Kiba had gotten the signal and slipped Akamaru the soldier pill. Akamaru grew almost a solid inch at the shoulder and his fur bled a deep red. Even while the puppy was going through his transformation, Kiba picked him up and hefted his partner hard at the secondary objective.

Kiba crossed his fingers and hoped with all his might.

Akamaru snatched the book from the jonin's fingers, cleared the rain of pies and tore down the street.

XXXXX

HIS BELOVED!

Kakashi would not allow this to stand. A quick kawarmi with a hapless citizen and he made chase! There had better be no damage done to that book, or Konoha would be short a dog by the end of the day.

Even as he pumped chakra to his legs, the little mongrel dipped down an alley.

Turning down the alley himself a split-second later, Kakashi was greeted by the sight of a tail going under the fence. With a mighty leap Kakashi cleared the fence and landed on the other side's entrance only to have the little bastard slip through his legs and run towards the 'Boneyard.'

It was on. It was so on. Nobody even thought about burying _that_ book!

Once Kakashi was out sight, Shino crawled to the end of the alley in a bleary and stumbly way. Once the 'hobo' had figured he was in the clear he hobbled back to his spot, only to dissolve into nothing but streams of bugs.

XXXXX

Anko couldn't help but grin lopsidedly when she heard the confirmation come over her team's frequency. She got up and left the room, leaving a bawling temporary minion pinned to the walled by dango skewers. She had a rendezvous point to get to.

XXXXX

Kiba ran along his route, it would bring him to after the drop point. He would meet up with Akamaru, who would be coming off the high the soldier pill gave him and would be lagging. Then the pair would make their way to the RP, hopefully intact.

Shino had acquired the secondary objective, at this point it was pretty much up to Naruto and his clones. Kiba wished Naruto dogspeed and put a little more effort into reaching pick-up point bravo before his canine companion.

It needed to be cleared before any more operatives could be on site.

XXXXX

Kakashi's one visible eye gleamed with the burning hatred of a thousand sons and the killing intent he leaked cleared the streets of civilians. ANBU had responded to the disturbance but when they saw their former captain chasing after a dog with an orange book in its mouth... They decided pictures would be the best way to report this.

Maybe Cat would be feeling a little extra girly today (a known phenomenon, Hayate would probably have to be the one to ask her) and put together a scrapbook.

Akamaru was, at this point, running with everything he had. He could feel the stimulants beginning to leave his system, and his muscles were screaming. The adrenaline wouldn't be enough. There wasn't enough space to bury the book. He would have to drop and run, if he didn't get caught.

There! There was the end to this hell.

Akamaru felt the hand swipe his tail but miss, thank Inu-kami, just as he opened his mouth and dropped the book into the hole.

"MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Gollum!"

Boom.

Akamaru barely cleared the blast radius, getting some splatter on himself. He obliged the mission sim and 'killed' one of his rear legs, hopping along at full-peg-leg speed. Akamaru had better get some motherfucking pets today! And some goddamn belly rubs!

But for Kakashi the world was redefined in technicolor. Bright blues, reds, oranges, whites, and green. As he stood there, dripping paint, he blinked. He mechanically turned to the laughing ANBU that had just fallen out of a nearby tree.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Kakashi revealed his Sharingan eye and prepped a full blown Raikiri.

In other news, seven ANBU were admitted to the hospital with varying degrees of injury, and Kakashi managed to be six hours late to his team meeting.

XXXXX

Naruto was treated to a wondrous sight as he jogged up to the RP. There was Anko-sensei laughing, with tears running down her face as she tried to read the book aloud to a passed out Kiba and a visibly blushing Shino. It took them a few minutes to calm her down and wake Kiba up to do their after-action review.

The first statement out of Anko's mouth surprised the three boys.

"Congrats, kiddies! You passed my test with flying colors!"

Kiba was the first to respond.

"But Anko-sensei didn't you say 'fuck that?'"

She snorted.

"Deception is a shinobi's greatest tool! Naw, I just did a day's worth of training and this mission sim to see how it would all work out. If you guys hadn't given it everything you had, I woulda told the Old Man to eat out my ass hole."

Naruto's head turned up and to the right as he remembered something.

XXXXX

"Remember, Naruto, ooh that's good, just like that," Yukari-nee-chan said to the boy in the room and then to her partner before returning to Naruto, "If you or your partner wants to give the other a rim-job, as its called, try to make sure the receiver has an enema first, otherwise it can turn out really nasty."

XXXXX

"Before or after an enema?" the red-head said before he could stop himself.

Anko just winked.

"Anyways, you guys kicked some serious fucking ass! I never expected you to get one over Kakashi! The man is a legend in his own right."

Shino adjusted his glasses.

"He was obviously emotionally compromised. His one weakness is that piece of literature you hold in your hands."

Everyone snorted at this.

"Okay, positives. You took advantage of an emotional instability, managed to make the situation fucking weird enough the ANBU didn't help out, and planned the whole thing out really well. Negatives, not enough communication. Once the operation has kicked into full swing, the radio should be constantly squakin' lettin' your other teammates know what the fuck is going on at your position. Next, Akamaru, you barely got to the drop point and got 'hurt.' Talk to who or what ever you have to talk to, to get in some better shape. Finally, you guys only had one contingency. What if Akamaru hadn't managed to grab the book?"

The boys, minus Naruto, hung their heads. Naruto's answer was to hold out an Akamaru covered in tags.

"Boom."

Anko rolled her eyes.

"I said what if he didn't get the book!"

Naruto just shook his head.

"Akamaru misses the book, insta-switch and insta-boom. We win."

Anko bopped Naruto on the head, which also dispelled the Akamaru clone.

"Did your teammates or I know that?"

Naruto scuffed the ground.

"No..."

"Good, now, here," Anko tossed a pouch full of Ryo coins to Shino, "Treat yourselves to some lunch. Be at the usual place tomorrow at zero-nine-thirty. You are in charge of your own physical training and any jutsu that I don't specifically train you in, but I will let you know when you're slackin'. For now, we break at lunch and finish right before dinner. 'Kay? Cool. Bye!"

With that their sensei disappeared and the three boys and dog began jostling and congratulating each other as they made their way into town for some lunch.

XXXXX

Kakashi was a harsh task-master. That's what Sakura discovered. Take away the book and the lanky jonin was _mean_. Like _Mean_! Her beautiful hair was already a horrible tangle of knots and her face was smeared with dirt. How was she supposed to woo Sasuke-kun when she looked like shit.

Just after being dismissed by Kakashi-sensei and then rejected by Sasuke, Sakura was sure the day could get no worse. Then Ino sauntered into the training ground looking like she was floating on air.

"You can have the two-dimensional emo. I found something_ so _much better!"

And then she floated out of the training ground. What could be better than Sasuke?! The whole reason Sakura decided she liked Sasuke was so she could have something in common with Ino! Granted the reasoning behind liking Sasuke had changed since they were six but still...

Now, Sakura had nothing in common with her (former) best friend.

She ran home and cried in the shower, letting the water hide her tears.

XXXXX

Hinata walked home stiffly. Something had changed. They barely passed their incredibly lazy jonin's test and are pretty much left alone for a day only to have Hellfire rain down upon them today.

It was like something had disturbed the force around Naruto when Hinata wasn't looking and the Karmic backlash was immense.

So Hinata decided home wasn't her destination.

Naruto was.

XXXXX

Sasuke grunted. That was some good training. Now if only his sensei hadn't stuck four fingers into his rectum.

Sasuke just grunted again as he waddled home.

XXXXX

Shikamaru thought today had gone splendidly. A mixture of meditation, shogi, and stretching for training. Choji had been given instructions to begin a heavier workout, to solidify what wasn't big bones and Ino didn't complain once. Asuma had said he was mostly going to train them in little things that would help them as people and ninja with a dash of teamwork training while their clans handled the bulk of their ninja training.

A lazy sensei. It was perfect.

"SHIKAMARU!" Yoshino's voice echoed through the clan compound.

Shikamaru sighed his clan's trademarked phrase and wandered inside to see what his overbearing mother wanted.

XXXXXX

Naruto opened his door. Like the last time, Ino was standing there.

"Hey there, Sunshine. Mind if I crash here for a few hours before heading home?"

Last night had been weird. Today looked like it wasn't going to be much better. Ino had a small bag slung over her shoulder, was smiling brightly, and called him 'Sunshine.' She was dressed in her usual purple outfit, which softened the weirdness blow. But not by much.

"Sure," he said with some reluctance, allowing her into his apartment.

"Thanks! Daddy and I are fighting so I don't want to go home right now. You're a lifesaver!"

After taking her shoes off she tossed her bag to the foot of his bed and then she collapsed on it. Ino flopped over and dug through her bag before pulling out a scroll marked with the Yamanaka clan symbol on the end.

Again he offered tea, and she declined again, before the two set about their individual training, hers in whatever and his in fuuinjutsu, in somewhat comfortable silence.

This was fucking weird.

It was weirder when she kissed him goodbye. Susa'wanoo she was forceful.

Naruto bet it was some super convoluted female plot to get closer to Sasuke.

Poor, poor Naruto.

XXXXX

Shibi managed to not sigh. His fellow clansmen were just being ridiculous at this point.

"His growth is too rapid! He will fall before the Hive and devour us from the inside out!"

"Shino's growth is well within the parameters set forth."

And another round of petty bickering began. For all of the Aburame's logic, their fear made them little more than children. No Aburame had fallen to the Hive in nine generations!

And it would all be settled again by pointing out that the Elders were the ones who decided to try to cultivate a warrior breed of old. That always shut them up for a month. A month. Shibi fought back the urge to just kill one of them to shut them up for good.

Sandaime Hokage-sama wouldn't like the paperwork it would generate and hold Shibi responsible for decades.

XXXXX

Hinata contemplated killing Ino. But she bet it was all some super convoluted fangirl plot to get Sasuke. When she broke Naruto's heart, Hinata would step in and heal all of his emotional wounds, but only after she stashed the slut's body somewhere.

Then he would demand she remove her jacket! And she would! But with protests! And then he would tie her arms behind her back and! and! and!

Hiashi frowned as his elder daughter randomly broke into demented giggles while blushing during dinner. Maybe he should stop being so hard on her...

He wouldn't want to have to deal with a subpar 'Itachi.'

Or break it to his daughter that she wasn't the only Hyuuga female after Uzumaki Naruto.

Damn that boy's powerful Yang chakras! He was like a visual aphrodisiac for Hyuuga (and Uchiha, when they were still around) females!

The Anti-Hyuuga-Naruto ANBU squad was already overworked! The clock was ticking down until he had to officiate the Great Hyuuga-Naruto Hunt. Perhaps Hokage-sama would consent to be a judge.

XXXXXX

Sarutobi stamped his last piece of paperwork for the day with a smile. It was dening yet another request by one of the Hyuuga ladies to adopt Naruto, but it was the last piece of the paperwork!

He leaned back and lit his pipe with a sigh of pleasure. His intercom buzzed to life.

"Excuse me, sir, but Utane-sama requests an audience."

Hiruzen had been meaning to talk to his longtime teammate, or as Naruto referred to her, Koharu-oba-chan. He depressed the return button.

"Send her in."

After the two powerful shinobi got the pleasentries out of the way, they got down to business.

"I would like to discuss the CRA with Naruto-kun."

Hiruzen blinked.

"I was going to ask you to do that."

Koharu smiled serenly. Fuck her, she did that even better than he did.

"I know. But if I left it to you, it would never get done. Besides, you barely understand the legalese in that piece of legislature yourself."

In response, he flipped her the bird. Naruto was going to be officially declared an Uzumaki tomorrow too!

All in all, it was time for some duck soup. And his high thread count cotton sheets.

XXXXX

A/N: The review response to last chapter was amazing! Thanks guys! Keep it up! At 50 reviews I'll do an omake. The lucky 50th reviewer gets to even choose what the omake is going to be about (sorta). Whoever the 50th reviewer is, they get to choose any Naruto character and see what they are currently up to in the TTFUD universe!

Concerns that I feel I should address. For me, writing creatively is a learning experience. Some of the things I come up with are out there. Like Tsume's 'atonement.' That's happened two-three times. Kiba has had to get medical attention after getting beaten two-three times. Most of the time Kiba just got smacked around a bit harder than most Inuzaka kiddies. Most of Kiba's situation boils down to something along the lines of being adopted by the mean lady and her nice daughter. Turns out Kiba is actually their son/brother and the daughter has a brother complex. That's pretty much it. The beatings are in the past. Everyone has pretty much moved on, even if Kiba is still a bit twitchy at home because of it. I'm working on toning the angst here down. Hana will have her little brother complex for, like, ever, for teh luls.

Harems. Sorry, kiddies. Not really. I have the girl Shino is going to get with planned already, haven't decided on Kiba's lucky lady. If Naruto chooses to participate in the CRA he gets to have two wives. Two. There are other stipulations that Koharu will explain to him. But there is quite the horde after Naruto, which, at this time, includes Ino.

Back to this chapter. A little over 3k words, my new goal for each chapter. I will, however, post short chapters or long chapters if I feel that's how long they need to be. Most of the second half of the chapter is to give us a little piece of what else is going on in Konoha. Next chapter should include some international events that set up for the Chuunin Exams, as well as some (hopefully, I hate dialogue, its hard) decent Team Anko interactions. A note on Anko's training methods. She is used to training 'experienced' ninja. And none of her boys are her direct apprentice, so no second coming of Orochimaru minus the traitor crazy. She is going to treat the boys like 'adults' for the most part. Team training is going to be just that, team training. She is going to help them with their personal stuff, but we haven't gotten there yet.

On the chapter title. It's actually hella racist. Like wickedly. Think on the second bit a little while and it'll come to you. Then, get over it. This will ultimately be an humorously (I hope) offensive story. I like to think its part of the charm.


	7. Chapter 7: Austin Powers

Turn That Frown Upside Down

or

International Man of Mystery

Hiruzen cracked open his morning paper, puffing away at his pipe. His inbox was currently empty, he had a cup of hot tea, and his secretary had been extra perky this morning. She had even bent over to pick something up for him. It was a very good day.

It was even the day the press release about Naruto's heritage came out. That was always good news, in Hiruzen's books. Hopefully, the boy would get some better treatment from the villagers.

But, alas, his good mood was not to last. His doors smashed open with a howling blast of wind, and he had to dodge the several very accurate vacuum blades. Ah, Danzo was in fine form this morning. Then the cane came down.

On his desk.

The desk that the Shodai himself and put in the office.

The desk upon which Hiruzen's pipe, which had been smoothly and hastily removed when the doors opened, and tea sat.

The desk that was cut in twain like it was made of butter and Danzo's cane was a very hot knife.

Very fine form indeed. The bastard had even managed to cut his pipe.

"Of all things, you lied to me about this?"

The 'cripple' removed a newspaper from his armpit and threw the folded piece at Hiruzen. The section that managed to whap the Sandaime Hokage in the face was the very article that would improve Naruto's life tenfold, and increase the power of the village through reputation.

"You said he was Uzumaki in honor of Kushina. That Kushina's babe had died along with her. I can understand you telling that to the fucking civilians and gen pop, but me? You should have told me and given him to me!"

Saurtobi slowly and calmly put his desk back together, and propped it up on his chair. He picked up his broken pipe and tea cup, throwing both into the trash. He poured two cups of tea and turned around offering one to the irate Danzo, who took it, as was polite. The man in front of the Hokage espoused the shinobi code like it was divine law. To see him actually angry, actually emotional, meant that Hiruzen had really, really pushed his buttons with this.

"Come, let's retire to another chamber while they replace my desk."

Hiruzen actually felt bad, he had completely forgotten why Danzo would be so angry over this. Over hiding Naruto's heritage. It was time to apologize to his old friend and comrade. Because that was how Danzo came to him today, as a friend and a comrade. They were not the Sandaime Hokage and the Leader of the 'non-existant' Ne ANBU division, but men who had served together through two wars, boys who had served under the same sensei.

He might actually have to streak naked through Konoha's Market District during their busiest time to get Danzo to forgive him.

XXXXX

The Fourth Kazekage 'hmm'd as he looked over the intelligence report.

A living Uzumaki. In Konoha. And the only reason this had been brought to his attention was because the Uzumaki had been officially declared trueborn, not by just the Hokage's office, but the Fire Damiyo's office.

He pressed the intercom button on his desk.

"Bring me the file on the Konoha nin Uzumaki Naruto."

XXXXXX

Darui walked steadily to the Boss' office. This was a Big Deal.

"Darui! You can't just go in there!"

Not even Mabui could stop this man on his mission.

"Yo, boss-man, I got some news from the guys down in intel."

A looked up from his paperwork, immensely glad for the interruption.

"What is it?"

Darui just opened the file in his hand and expertly tossed it on the desk, its contents facing the Raikage. Inside was a dossier on a Konoha ninja.

He had the name Uzumaki Naruto.

And if that wasn't reason enough to catch A's attention, the picture was.

The boy had whisker marks on his cheeks.

XXXXX

Temari, Maki, and Pakura stood before the Kazekage. He paced back and forth behind his desk, his hands clasped behind his back.

"Pakura," he said suddenly, "What does the name Uzumaki mean to you?"

Pakura thought for a moment.

"Second largest concentration of Wind type chakra, until they were destroyed before the beginning of the Third War. I believe they were attacked during the tail end of the Second War and wiped out."

The Kazekage shook his head.

"Not destroyed. Scattered."

He then revealed a mission board.

"This is Uzumaki Naruto, a ninja of Konoha. And he is your mission, Temari, Maki, while you are in Konoha for the Chunin Exams. You are to lay the ground work for him to come to Suna."

He looked at his daughter and the young lady next to her.

"Convince him that he should have a bride from Suna. Pakura will take overall lead on this mission."

With that, he left the room to let the three women discuss their mission.

Pakura looked at the girls she had to work with.

Maki was girl next door beautiful. Plain but well shaped. She was slightly shy when it came to boys, but Pakura was sure she could convince the girl to play eager at least. Work the friend into closer than friend angle. Given that Maki was very friendly once she was done being shy it wouldn't be hard. And according to the file, the boy was probably starved for attention.

Temari was most definitely a princess, good looking, and knew it. She would have to take the route of a woman who knew what she wanted, which was Naruto, and, if the boy knew what the fuck was good for him, would be worshipping her instantly. Pakura had a feeling the boy wouldn't, which would drive Temari to try harder.

Temari smirked.

"He won't say no once he sees that legs like these are available in Suna."

The girl had a point, only fourteen and she had legs that went for miles and ended in a pert, perky, perfectly tight posterior. She seperated the slit in her battle kimono for emphasis.

Maki, in a sudden showing of pride in her body, turned slightly and bent over. To counter Temari's rump she offered her own bountiful, bouncy, beautiful bottom.

"I think that a good, old fashioned, dose of the Gluteus Maximus will be more than enough. And if by some small chance it isn't, these will work just fine."

Maki juggled her breasts for a moment in emphasis. They were bigger than Temari's own.

Pakura was stunned speechless as the two girls stared each other down and spaks flew. This could be very bad or very, very good.

XXXXX

A hated this type of mission but it was for the Cause. The Cause of Strengthening Kumo. Hopefully without diplomatic repercussions. Like that fucked up mission with the Hyuuga. C was a total dickhole having plans and missions for after his death. Seriously, what kind of a dad does that to his fucking son?

Before him stood Nii Yugito and his brother's genin team. Since B had to stay in Kumo for ninety percent of all time, Yugito was a good choice. She also had some experience in this type of mission. Very little. A 'hmm'd. Mabui was actually very experienced in these kinds of missions. But if he did that... A shuddered at the thought of all the backed up paperwork and Mabui's fury when she got back from the Exams.

Yugito was a good choice.

"You are all going to the Chuunin Exams in Konoha. Yugito will be acting as jonin supervisor."

A waited for Karui and Omoi to finish their victory dances. Samui just waited patiently. Yugito facepalmed at the thought of having to supervise those two.

"There is also a secondary mission while you are there."

A opened the dossier on his desk and faced it to the aspiring chuunin and jonin.

"This is Uzumaki Naruto, we believe that he is a Jinchuriki, and the son of Uzumaki Kushina. It would be very beneficial to have him in Kumo. Or at least on friendly enough terms with us to not fight against us."

Yugito grimaced, she hated these subtle lipstick missions. Give her a kill target any day.

"Primary objectives of this mission are to ascertain his stability and personality. A full work up, or as close as you can get. Omoi, basically try to be the boy's friend. Karui, Samui," A took a breath, "I am asking you to try to... sway the boy to our side. To go so far as to use your... feminine wiles is optional."

Karui just scoffed. Who needed feminine wiles?

Samui looked at the picture of the boy.

"At least he's cute. But that orange is not cool."

Everyone in the room stared at Samui and her cheeks gained a light pink dusting at the scrutiny. Yugito was the first to recover.

"Does this mean I get to play overly flirty older woman to Samui's tsundere? 'Cause_ that _I can do."

Now all of their attention was on the young woman who happened to house the Nibi. She was smiling brightly.

"I can't seduce like lady for shit, but make a younger boy drool after me? Done."

"When have you ever done that? Have you done it to me? Are you going to make me do your bidding while I'm in a lust induced haze? Are you going to make me kill my teammates? Because that would be ba-"

Omoi stopped mid-stream as Yugito pulled on her chest wraps and bounced slighty, fanning her face with her free hand.

"It is so hot in here. Maybe I should take off a few bindings."

Both Omoi and A were launched back in a spurt of blood, though A recovered at warp speed, nose still bleeding.

"Alright, I don't think we'll have any problems with this one."

XXXXX

In Iwa, it was a different tale.

"Tsuchikage-sama! An Uzumaki lives!"

Oonoki of Both Scales just raised one very bushy eyebrow.

"And we care why? They are decimated, and have many generations to go to ever be as fearsome as they were."

"He's in Konoha!"

Oonoki just palmed his face at his very stupid ninja. He would have to dumb this down.

"The Uzumaki and the Senju were besties. That's what you young people call them now a days, yes? Best friends. If an Uzumaki were to ever restart the clan it would be in Konoha. And the last known Uzumaki was in Konoha at the time of the Seige anyways. Really, its not like I didn't see this coming _decades_ ago."

Oonoki finished of with a hefty glare. His poor stupid ninja wet himself, apologized, and left the room in a hurry.

"What in the fuck are they teaching at the Academy these days?"

Oonoki floated out of his office, much to the despair of his secretary. If the Head of the Academy for Aspiring Ninja didn't have a good fucking reason for this, he was getting obliterated.

XXXXX

Shino woke at his usual time. Did his now more strenuous work-out and taijutsu practice. Ate breakfast with his mother. Tended the hives with his clan contemporaries. Nodded respectfully to his father.

All in all it was a normal day.

Until he got into Konoha proper.

The authenticity of Naruto's heritage had just been released in an official press statement. Shino adjusted his glasses slightly and allowed himself a small smirk in happiness for his teammate.

However, the civilians were being more illogical than usual. He only caught snippets of the conversations as he went by, but some of the outlandish actions taken were... outlandish. The conversations were something like 'oh, the poor boy,' and 'I can't believe we thought he was the reincarnation!' The latter types of conversation were quickly rerouted to another topic or the former's train of thought.

But that man was really trying to commit hara kiri in the street. He was also wailing about how he could have treated an Uzumaki like that! One chuunin and three ANBU were trying to keep the man from killing himself. And... Were those people on the Hokage Monument? They just got snatched up, presumably by the ANBU. Good civilians shouldn't be killing themselves needlessly.

The ninja had a much more reserved response. Many who had earned their flak vests had taken them off and would stare at the Uzu swirl on the back. Some even reverently glided their fingers over it. Then they would throw their vest back on and get on with the day.

Shino had never expected such a... emotional response to the revelation of Naruto's heritage. It also did not compute with Naruto's statement that civillians didn't like the Uzumaki. Perhaps elsewhere, but in the Senju stronghold? Where almost eighty percent of the non-clan people where closely related to that fabled clan? Preposterous.

Perhaps, Naruto had simply been misled for his own protection. He had been blonde for most of his life. Mayhap the two were interlinked. And had something to do with the Iwa-Uzu situation. Shino logically hoped that Iwa sent no teams to the Chuunin Exams to whatever Chuunin Exams his team would participate in.

Naruto held a grudge like a motherfucker, and he had just inherited a bunch. Kumo, Kiri, and Umi had all acted with Iwa during the Great Siege of Uzushiogakure, but only Iwa hunted the Uzumaki like dogs.

Shino reasoned that the Aburame had some issues with Iwa as well, and would gladly help his grudge bearing teammate, but would rather not at the cost of becoming chuunin. Still, if it came down to it.

Any Iwa team that came up against his? They were fucked in the ass with a spiked baseball bat. Perhaps, gang-banged with spiked baseball bats. Kage Bunshin would be good for that. A Kikai Bunshin or two for flavor.

Shino adjusted his glasses again, letting a small smirk play across his lips. His team. Ah, what beauty there was in the primal brutality of his two teammates. Three. Can't forget Akamaru. He hoped that Anko-sensei would begin them in actual combat drills soon. The running battles against her were all well and good, but what happened when they _had_ to take a stand? Logically, they would have to run combat drills at some point, as it was highly likely that his team would double as a heavy combat squad.

There were some awesome Aburame hijutsu that Shino was itching to use.

Crouching Aburame, Hidden Badass. The immature mantra that Shino aspired to.

Ah, he was first to the... Rather he was the first of his team to arrive at the Village Hidden in Fuck Yous. Who was this old bandaged man? Shino bowed respectfully, unsure of the man's station and offered greetings.

"Good morning to you as well, young Aburame. I am here to speak with your teammate, Uzumaki Naruto. Do you know when he will arrive?"

Shino shook his head and fought the primal urge to send out the warriors and peace out with the workers of his hive. Whoever this old guy was, he was serious shinobi business. And that meant he had to take steps to protect his teammate. A lone kikaichu snuck over to the man and did its best to hide itself, only to be plucked off.

"A worthy plan, young Aburame, but I swear to you as an Elder of Konoha, I mean your teammate no harm."

The words of an Elder carried great weight. Shino bowed again.

"I will hold you to that, Esteemed Elder."

The old man's seemingly perpetual frown quirked slightly.

"I am Shimura Danzo, Aburame Shino. I expect great things from you and your teammates. Do not disappoint this old man who was once a student of the Nidaime Hokage alongside our Sandaime Hokage."

Yes, this man was serious shinobi business. Like scary serious.

"I shall pass on your words, Elder Danzo."

Danzo just nodded as he turned back to scanning the streets. He spotted a mop of red hair being hindered by... fangirls? Maybe fangirls. Danzo wasn't sure. They would have to be civilians. But there were a lot of girls. Suddenly most of the girls flew into the air and Danzo and Shino heard the triumphant roar of Yamanaka Ino.

"BACK OFF, YA' DIRTY SKANKS!"

The blonde girl turned to Naruto, pecked him on the cheek and disappeared. The redhead walked up with a hand on the cheek she kissed.

"She has gotten so weird over the past few days. It has to be some super convoluted fangirl plot to get with Sasuke. Hey, Shino."

Naruto looked up at the bandaged old man.

"Danzo-oji-san, what're you doing here?!"

XXXXX

A/N: Just a little short of my 3k goal, but it says everything I want it to and leaves some things I want to leave for next chapter. I know I promised more team interaction, but I thought this needed to be written first, including some Shino screen time (he's hard to write because he is crouching aburame, hidden badass. He's just kinda there until he pulls something awesome out of his ass). A lot of things are happening early in this story that I feel need to get out of the way. I want to get to the time period in which the Wave mission normally happens within the next five chapters. The next chapter should be, should, some revelations (fanon) about Danzo and Naruto. Which then segues into team time and how Anko is training her team.

The girls gunning for Naruto from the other villages have about six months to train up for the chuunin exams and to work out various approaches to ensnare Naruto. So the girls out of the gate for Naruto are: Ino, Hinata(for funny things, I actually greatly dislike her canon character and so would never actually pair Naruto with her), Samui, Karui (for moar funny), Maki, and Temari (which brings in some funny Gaara moments).

I'm also hoping to start dropping more tidbits about the TTFUD world soon, its hard to find spots sometime or come up with something for a spot.

Remember guys fiftieth(50th) reviewer gets to choose a character for a TFFUD omake! So please review!


	8. Chapter 8: Gearing Up with Some Hate

A/N: Wish I owned Naruto.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

or

Getting Ready for a Marathon of Hate

Contrary to popular belief, Naruto hated. He hated with a passion. He hated so much the light of a thousand burning suns couldn't compare to his hate. He also loved with the passion of a thousand burning suns, so it was all good.

There was very little middle ground in the life of one Uzumaki Naruto.

Shimura Danzo was one of the few things in the middle ground. Naruto instantly knew, when he had first seen the man, that Danzo burned with the Will of Fire. But not the bright flame of the Hokage but with a smouldering resolution, that would burn all that it fell upon.

Jiji had said to be wary around the man, but Danzo-oji-san gave him fucking lollipops. Who the fuck hates someone who gives out lollipops?

That and Danzo-oji was way more interesting than Homura-oji. That man was so boring. So boring. Danzo-oji had started telling him this story about this one time in Beast Country, where he was fighting these two kunoichi from Hoshi, and somehow they had all ended up naked and... Jiji had stopped Danzo-oji from finishing that story. Something about puberty.

Naruto had been seven.

The story was really interesting.

Damn it!

Anyways, back to the present. Danzo-oji-san was here at the Village Hidden in Fuck Yous. Or Fuckyougakure. Which was kinda weird, Anko-sensei said most people stayed away from this training ground since Bear-oba-san was scary when someone randomly fucked it up.

"Danzo-oji-san, what're you doing here?!"

The corners of Danzo's mouth twitched out of a frown and into a flat line. Naruto felt the sudden urge to vomit before running. Like something was wrong with reality and the universe.

"I am here, Naruto-kun, to discuss some things with you, if you would follow me for some privacy."

Naruto's eyes slid to Shino, who gave an imperceptible nod, before smiling brightly.

"Okay, Danzo-oji-san!"

The old man and the young lad stepped off to the side and into the shade of a nearby building, just out of Shino's earshot, but still within eyesight.

"I assume you do not want to worry your teammate? As such we will have a brief talk here."

Danzo leaned himself and his cane up against the wall, using his good hand to reach inside his robe. He pulled out...

Naruto and Shino both tensed.

... A picture frame. Danzo looked down at it almost reverently before turning it around and allowing Naruto to see the faded color photo of a smiling, beautiful, red-headed young woman.

"Uzumaki Akane, my late fiance. She died in the Seige of Uzu. The port in the storm that was my life. Never before or since have I ever felt anything like what I did for her. When we finally made it to Uzushio, all five thousand of us, only to find naught but ruin and devastation..."

Danzo trailed off and offered the photo to Naruto, who took it gently. The young man dusted his fingers across her face and smile. A piece of his family was right here in his hands. Another piece of his history.

"She would have been your Great-Aunt, making me your Great-Uncle. If it were not for your protection, I would have been far more active in that role, than I have. Should you need anything of me, training, stories of the Uzumaki, or even someone to talk to, I am available to you."

"Thank you, Danzo-oji-san."

Naruto gave a little bow and held the picture back to the elder man.

"Keep it. I have stared at it long enough."

And with that the old man picked up his cane and began walking away.

"I expect many a great thing in your Typhoon Struggle, young one," Danzo called over his shoulder.

"To struggle against the Great Storm is but a dream, oji-san! One is to embrace and become it!"

No amount of horrible things could tear the smile from Naruto's face at a traditional Uzumaki turn of phrase.

Danzo's parting shot was something usually said at birthdays or graduations. The Typhoon Struggle was a way of saying one's life, but Naruto's counter was based in deep Uzumaki style ninja philosophy. One did not fight the Great Storm, Death to some, instead as an Uzumaki nin he became a part of the Great Storm and its way of life.

All Uzumaki traditions had their roots in the storms and tides that surrounded their ancestral homelands off the coast of Uzu. Uzushiogakure had been established as a halfway point between those Uzumaki on pilgrimage to the Temple of Storms and Tides and the mainland. Eventually, all Uzumaki, save the handful of priests and nuns, lived in Uzushio.

Naruto wasn't sure if the Temple had been included in the Seige. From what he had read it was three days out at sea. It was possible, and likely given that the Seige of Uzushio had lasted thirteeen days.

Naruto walked slowly back over to his teammate, continuing to look at the picture of Uzumaki Akane.

"Oi, Naruto, what'd the old fart want?"

Teammates, it seems. Kiba had shown up while Naruto and Danzo had been talking.

Naruto shook his head.

"Not much, just to give me this picture of an Uzumaki he knew."

A few moments later, the picture had been sealed away in Naruto's very first storage scroll. He was immensely proud of it, just having finished constructing it the night before. He was going over its capabilities with Kiba and Shino, when Anko dropped in on her brats.

Literally. She drove an elbow into the back of Naruto's head when she landed. He grumbled as he recovered and Kiba snickered.

"Alright, brats, here's the down low. There's a mission that just cropped up. Three weeks 'til the deployment, then its a short term three-month assignment. Some recent intel says Umi is pretty unstable right now, and that a few minor nobles and merchants going missing, a few caravans stopped, and a few festivals ruined would pretty much destabilize the whole country and it would be Umigakure's fault.

The Old Boss Man is going to ask me in two weeks if I think you tykes are up for it. Ready to get cracking?"

Kiba smiled ferally at his sensei and down at Akamaru. Shino adjusted his glasses and nodded quietly. Naruto's eyes narrowed and his hands clenched. Umi was extremely high on the Scroll of Grudges. They were so high on the list, they went on the original in Naruto's own sloppy handwriting. Normally, Naruto might have considered such a thing sacrilege, to deface his own families relics, but it seemed from the various writings used, the Scroll of Grudges was there so young generations could know who to hate _and why_.

Umi, being Uzu's neighbor, knew many of the passwords and switches that needed to be tripped or bypassed to get to Uzu proper. The nation of Umi and its hidden village were traitors. They would be some of the ones to feel Naruto's hate if he had _anything_ to say about it.

"Bring it," he ground out through clenched teeth.

XXXXX

Anko smiled at her little angry spitfire. Then she ruffled his hair.

"Aww, look at you! So cute when your angry!"

She laughed when he swiped a hand at hers.

"Its a good thing you got some motivation, but don't let emotions like hate and anger rule you. Fuel you, yeah, go ahead. But don't let them make you reckless, otherwise more than you'll end up dead, 'kay?"

Naruto nodded with a pout.

"Yeah, sensei, I get it."

Kiba twitched and a confused look dawned on his face. He turned and looked afar.

"Did anybody else hear that scream of anguish? Something about 'cute' and 'why wasn't I there?'"

"No."

"Naw."

"Nope."

Kiba shrugged.

"Must be hearing things then."

XXXXX

A few miles away at another training ground, the males of Team Asuma were attempting to simultaneously soothe and avoid getting smashed by an irate and upset Ino.

XXXXX

"Anywho. Training's pretty simple. One week of as many sims we can fit in, then a week of combat excercises before we get to tell the Old Man were are or we aren't ready. But first! Solid Surface Walking while you come up with a plan for this sim!"

She tossed a scroll to Shino and hopped up onto a near by wall. She gestured to the building to her left.

"Get cracka lackin'!"

The boys shared a look and then ran at the wall, drawing Kiba and Naruto drawing kunai as they went, Shino opened the scroll and began reading its contents.

XXXXX

While _her_ boys began their exercises, Anko thought back to a few various points from meetings she had recently had.

Her promotion to Jonin was only temporary. It hinged on her brats. They had to do well in order for it to be permanent. This was an incredible show of faith, the Sandaime had reminded her, to place her with a 'clan head,' a clan heir, and someone who was next in line for heir. A huge show of faith. In return, she had to do her damnedest to make sure they weren't just good ninja or even great ninja. They had to be so fucking badass that Orochimaru would shit bricks.

Well, not really. They just had to make a good showing at the next Chuunin Exams, but Anko wanted them to blow that shit out of the fucking goddamn water like it was made of nothing. Or something like that. Make it look easy.

Problem was she had no clue how to train a squad of genin. She knew how to train chuunin and jonin, but genin were different, less self-sufficient. So Anko had been going with what she knew, just a bit more supervising on her part. She actually watched them train. Sometimes she'd even offer a hint or a tip.

Today's meeting had been a little bit different, Anko supposed, not every genin sensei got one on one mentor time with the Professor.

XXXXX

"Anko, m'girl, its been a week, what do you think of your team?"

The Old Man glanced up at her as he packed a pipe that looked suspiciously new. For her part, Anko grinned toothily.

"They all got some serious spunk, especially Naruto. A lot of potential, just... I'm not sure how to nurture it all, yanno? Kiba has great teamwork already there, with his ninken, getting him to do that with his other teammates hasn't been going so well. Shino is really quiet, like all the Aburame I know. Really observant. But since he's so quiet, I don't know if he's letting his teammates know what he sees.

And Naruto... Kid has more chakra in his wang than I do in my entire body, with enough stamina to do me and a half dozen other jonin kunoichi until we're a pile of goo. But his control is terrible, and he has no technique. No taijutsu, no real ninjutsu, and he has zero talent with genjutsu, though when I wanted to see if he could detect them, it didn't even stick. Its like he's immune."

While she spoke, Sarutobi lit his pipe and took a thoughtful pull, while fighting down a blush at the thought of Naruto with seven very attractive women.

"Kiba's ability to work with his human partners will come with time and experience, look for deeper flaws than that and attempt to shore them up, but he is likely the easiest you have to deal with as his current issues require nothing but time. Shino, on the other hand, will take some work. Make sure to ask him questions, especially 'why didn't you tell your teammates?' If he is as any other Aburame, his logic will force him to include his teammates in his musings. How you wish to punish him for leaving out any detail that could be pertinent is up to you. I also suggest you make him read mission requests to his teammates. You still plan to use the simulation method?"

Anko nodded and waited for the Hokage to continue. Hiruzen took another thoughtful pull.

"Then have him be the one to disseminate information to his teammates. You are aware that Naruto has incredible tactical awareness and can come up with a strategic plan on almost no information? Make sure Shino and Naruto work together in the strategic aspect. An Aburame's insight is almost as good as a Nara's."

Another thoughtful pull and a 'hmm.'

"Naruto, however... I believe your assessment of the boy. Give him chakra control exercises, ones usually given to those who specialize in illusion and medicine. His nin- and tai- jutsu _are_ lacking, but he has recently received quite a bit of extra work in those areas. Spar with him in the morning perhaps. That is when he does most of his physical excercise. Help him refine what is on his taijutsu scrolls, including his weapon skills. His shuriken and kunaijutsu are slightly subpar."

The Sandaime puffed away, while Anko digested what she had heard so far.

"And his ninjutsu?"

"He has been studying that and his fuinjutsu in the evenings, and it is coming along swimmingly. When you do your sims, force him, and his teammates to reveal as much of their bag of tricks as you can. It will give you a much better gague of the style of combat they should use as a squad. You may, also, want him to look into getting a gunbai or tessen to augment his wind ninjutsu and use in hand to hand combat. Personally, I see him usuing a gunbai, just like his great-grandfather, who was beyond old when I was young."

The two shared a chuckle at that. After the mirth had died down, Anko stood and bowed.

"Thank you, Hokage-sama."

"Hokage-sama?! Anko, are you feeling alright?"

Anko rolled her eyes, and gave him a cheeky grin.

"Yeah, yeah, Old Boss Man, laugh it up. And again, thanks. I'm a little outta my depth here."

As she left she heard the Hokage say something that lifted her spirits.

"I have great faith in you, Anko. The Will of Fire burns brightly in you. Still, come to me if you have any concerns."

XXXXX

And that lead to now, a week later and their last mission sim. They had, as per usual, been 'caught.' Anko's primary concern, this early in the game, was to make sure that they would have the skills needed to _survive_ 'til the Chuunin Exams.

"Shit!"

Naruto's hair grew at an incredible rate and wrapped around him, becoming hard, sharp, and extra spiky as Anko's shadow snake hands wrapped around him. Her snakes managed to find enough purchase to avoid being popped.

She whipped her arm up and down, intending to smash Naruto against the ground only to toss him in the air as her snakes were torn by Akamaru's Gatsuuga. Naruto's hair receded to its normal length as he tossed a scroll to Shino and fell back to the earth. Anko distantly heard a slap of flesh on earth as a wall sprang into being before her.

Kiba had a few earth style techniques in his repertoire it seemed.

She vaulted over the rather short wall. It was impressive for a genin, but nowhere enough to stop her. But that had been enough to let Kiba bail out of sight. He was still within her 'range' and noticeable.

Whether sensors or not, all ninja began to develop a range where they knew everything that was going on in it. The trick was to be good enough to hide inside of another ninja's range. Chakra theorists hypothesized that the way a 'range' functioned was based on Chakra types. Fire types, when asked to describe their range, always tried to use words that involved thermodynamics. Water types could feel the 'flow' of a battle. Earth types thought the earth trembled in certain ways, depending on what was going on around them. Lightning types would babble about force, leading many theorists to believe that they were attempting to describe magnetism. Wind types, though rare, seemed to be the hands down best at using and having this range, another thing that lead to wind being the 'battle element.' They could feel the wind move when the earth was disturbed, when someone moved around them, even in the depths of the ocean, there was air,_ wind_, and it could be used.

Anko was an Earth Primary, with Fire as a Natural Secondary, and Water as a Trained Secondary. Meaning her range would incorporate bits and pieces of all three types.

If Naruto was a wind type, it would certainly explain why she could, a jonin, barely get the jump on him. He might be surprised by Anko, or in the midst of processing when she snuck up on him, but never ever had she ever actually got the full drop on him. She just needed to get him to notice _sooner_.

Back to the current sim. They had to make it to Training Ground 44 from TG 42. That meant they had to cut across TG 43. Right now they were about to break out of TG 42 and onto the open, treacherous, trapped, plain of TG 43.

Basically, target practice for Anko.

She grinned ferally as she watched them tear across the open space in a zig zag pattern. Suddenly, a huge plume of multi colored smoke went up. Anko's grin didn't falter. They were _learning_. 'Smoke and mirrors, boys. This ninja game is all about smoke and mirrors.' It seemed they were taking her advice literally this time. Anko twisted as she jumped through the smoke, only to now be facing a horde of Kibas, Shinos, and Narutos. Fifty or sixty at her initial count.

If anything, her grin grew wider.

A kunai was thrown and she flipped through handsigns. One kunai became hundreds. A few of the Narutos spat out balls of air, knocking a few dozen of her shadow kunai out of existence. Then as she darted forward, every single remaining clone drew a kunai or a shuriken, the brat had been getting much better with both of those weapons, though she still worried about his taijutsu despite the extra attention she gave to him. Anko's body coiled, getting ready to twist and turn her way through the hail of shadow steel.

That was when every. Single. Clone. slapped their palms together, pulled their hands apart palms facing her, and _pushed_. The speed of all that shadow steel tripled.

If she had been anything like her genin, she could understand why her sensei invented this technique. Her sensei might be a vile, horrible, terrible excuse for a human being, but he was a fantastic ninja. His style of Body Replacement would be needed. She was in the air, and there was far too many kunai to escape with a normal Replacement. Her level of body flicker would only send her through the hail of shadow steel, so Snake Style Body Replacement it was.

Anko pulled her body from its corpse and glanced at the currently empty training ground. She had lost. She could hear her boys celebrating just inside the fence of TG 44.

"Anko-sensei twenty-nine, boys one! Finally!" Kiba crowed.

"Indeed, we have finally triumphed. But be wary. Why? Because she is likely to increase the difficulty," Shino said as he adjusted his glasses to hide his smile.

Naruto was just doing a victory dance. Which, unsurprisingly, if you knew her boys, included a lot of pelvic thrusts.

That was the scene Anko walked up to with a small genuine smile on her face. Her boys were gonna be fine if they had to escape. Anything less than a full squad of hunter-nin and they would be able to escape. Anko would be there as well. That would help her boys out tremendously. She would die killing a kage if it meant they would be safe.

"Alright boys. An early day. Combat sims start tomorrow, with a special sim at the end of the week. Let's go get some dango."

When all three boys jumped with joy, including Shino though Naruto made some quip about ramen being better but dango was pretty damn good too, Anko knew her boys were gonna take over the world. And she'd be right there with them.

XXXXX

A/N: Yes, finally! Amirite? Anyways, I was busy the last few weekends, which is when I primarily write. Sister's birthday, then Laconia Bikeweek, which is also my dad's birthday. When he was young he thought the parades on Flag Day were for him. I've also been playing a beta for a soon-to-be-released game. A bit time consuming, but when I can I'm going to tell all of you to go buy it and play it wiv me. :D

Danzo is human. Full Stop. He really believes in the military and its code. In this case the Shinobi code written by his sensei. That doesn't make him a bad person in the long run. His actions, like brainwashing children, make him a bad person, but there is good in everyone. Who knows? Danzo might not have been such a cocksucker if he got married. And from him we get to see some of Uzu. That'll happen a few more times throughout the story until I decide to lay him to rest.

And a lot of Anko's Awesome Team from Anko's PoV. She's also very attached to her brats. She's been, largely, a very lonely person, for over a decade. It makes sense. So she might be a little more sisterly, auntily. But still a bit off kilter. One thing about the Anko-Hokage meeting you may have noticed. The Hokage didn't mention Naruto's genjutsu at all. He knows this, you might have noticed that, but Anko missed ti because of the wall of text. It will be discussed at some point.

Finally, review! 50th reviewer gets an omake about a ttfud character of their choosing!

_**REVIEW PRETTY PLEASE?!**_


End file.
